February Sucked. Period. End of sentence. January was a very epic month on a personal level. One of my best friends was in from the States and we saw a lot of the country. She left the first week of February. That day we were robbed. Our laptops were stolen as was my digital SLR that still had pictures from the vacation on it. It was pretty shitty and just the beginning. There was a lot of drama with Genderbridge going on. I don't want to go into details but I was bullied and harassed during the month of January and eventually dismissed unlawfully in February. It was a very horrible situation but I'm eternally grateful it's over. I've been reinstated now and the last two months are finally over and done. I've really learned to stand up for myself and that you can persevere. I've found a lot of support outside of Genderbridge and now hope to bring them aboard to revitalize the negative image that it's taken in the last two months.
I've got a new laptop ao I'm back and here are my stats for now.
Weight: 285lbs still but people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight.
Libido: Feeling generally horny a lot but not really a huge pressing issue or anything like that. I want sex more but can still live without it.
Skin: Face is definitely oilier but I'm using ProActive to keep breakouts as much in check as I can. Shoulders have broken out a little bit but nothing unmanageable.
Hair: A little bit of thinning but it's growing really fast.
Body Hair: A few dark hairs on the corner of my lips. I shaved them off on Monday and they're back today. Shan said she noticed them a week before I did but was waiting for me to notice.
Dosage: 100mg
Amount of time on T: 12 weeks
Build: I keep being told I look like I'm losing weight though the scale isn't changing. I think the fat has started shifting a bit. My arms generally look stronger and my breasts are losing what little elasticity they had so they hang much more. If I double bind (yes I know it's bad but I only do it in VERY short bursts and only when I really need to pass) I'm extremely flat and my build is very masculine.
Menstruation: Last period lasted for like two and a half weeks of just spotting. This one, that I'm currently on (*grumble*) started out that way for three days but then just hugely escalated to a full period. I can't wait for it to stop. I really can't.
Energy Level: A little bit more energized, I can work out longer and usually WANT to work out longer. I just keep ending up at the gym with a bunch of douches that joke around on the equipment so I am very limited in what I can do so I end up doing more cardio than weights.
Voice: It seems a little lower, I can sing lower and have trouble singing higher. My voice definitely tires when I try to sing higher stuff, or sing along with people like Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars who sing in a bit of a falsetto. One Bruno Mars song belted out and my voice is almost shot.
Misc: I'm a bit snappy, especially the first few days after shots. After my first 100mg shot, I was slightly less snappy but it's still very easy to get a small temper flare up. Until recently I've also been extremely stressed so that probably didn't help much.
Showing posts with label GenderBridge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GenderBridge. Show all posts
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Update
I wish I could say that I haven't really been blogging because there hasn't been anything going on but I think it's been so much but in such tiny morsels here and there. It really hasn't really felt like much at the time but looking back it's been a very, very busy few months.
So okay, I've recently really gotten involved with GenderBride which was the group I was mostly talking about last time. I'm now their coordinator since it became vacant and I wanted to volunteer. It's pretty sweet. I'm 100% immersed there and supported 100% on it. I keep getting called guy and bloke by the Kiwi's I work with and each time it just is like a huge boost to my esteem. I'm finding I'm just generally more happy. I can have intense anxiety about social situations but I haven't once felt it there. I've got some really great friends there too now, which is really nice in and of itself. Shan's also finding a lot of support with other partners which is great for her. She's come around almost completely. She still slips and calls me 'she' but she's working on it. She's even on the board of GenderBridge.
We also went to a NZTransguys party and met some other guys. One guy had his chest done in August and it looked AMAZING. He had a keyhole surgery so it wouldn't be the results I had at all, but Shan was fascinated by how good he looked. He had been transitioning for 2 years and looked flawless. He was 17-19 when he started so he's still young, but still, it was the total ideal you know? Looked more like a guy than a lot of guys I've known in my life.
On the medical front, I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist named Dr. Ian Holdaway. He is very familiar with the transition process and very thorough during our first session. He gave me a check up and we talked T options. He likes to go gently, often prescribing pills instead of shots to start with low dosages. He doesn't like "jarring the body" with high doses of T in general, it was a long discussion before he would consider giving me 50-100mg versus 25mg shots to start.
But first I had to get my psych clearance. Dr. Holdaway first referred me to Dr. Louise Armstrong, but after 5 weeks she finally got back to him to inform him she wasn't taking patients. So I was then referred to Dr. Ian Goodwin and was in to see him within two weeks. Shan came with me and by the time our session was done, he gave the thumbs up and was 100% behind me getting on T and pursuing this. Since it had been 7 weeks since my appointment with Holdaway I set up an appointment in advance to meet with Holdaway again so that he could do my prescription and we could get this ball rolling. Dr. Goodwin was willing to expedite his letter for me, instead of two weeks he had it done and sent out in two days.
So yesterday I met with Holdaway again. This time Shan was able to come and we had a lot of the same conversations. He was set on pills (which I've heard nothing but horror stories about in US blogs and I'm not keen on), then he suggested the cream (which can rub off onto Shan and since she has PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - and that means she has too much testosterone for her parts to work properly... so I didn't want her getting any more through me). He then suggested the patch, which we talked about me not having a good history of patches. I break out with them and have a tendency to pick things off of me (like bandaids or patches) if they piss me off. We then talked about doing implants as well, which is WAY out of my price range considering it'd have to be done in the hospital and I'd have to pay for that.
It seemed like he was really beating around giving me the shots, like any option was better. But then we had the same conversation, he wanted to start me off at 25mg for 3 months, then up to 50 for 2, then 75 for 2 then 100. And it was like, WTF? We already talked this out buddy. It took about 10 minutes and a lot of everything to get him to agree to the 50 to start, and even that might change before my first shot. I hope to god he doesn't give me 25 or I'll just add 25 more at home. I'm going to be getting a 1000cc bottle to self administer at home. It is a lot better option than the 100 bottles that are single use, so I'd be tossing a lot of T out because I couldn't use it. It just wasn't financially sound either. The bigger bottle was just a better choice for me.
So tomorrow, I have my first shot. The nurses are going to teach Shan how to do the shots so we can do it at home from now on. I will also get paperwork to do a blood test in three weeks to just see where my testosterone levels are. I won't have to see him for 3 months at that point to do a full check up and see where I am and how I'm doing with everything. I won't find out until tomorrow if he went with 25 or 50 but I hope larger. He's considering it because I have slightly elevated testosterone levels already. The average girl has a level of 2, boys have from 8-30. I had 3.5. Oooh. So HIGH. *sarcasm inserted*. He also worries about my blood thickening too much or my cholesterol getting bad but it's just undue concern. I have a great cholesterol level and I feel like I have really thin blood (mostly cause it takes me forever to heal from anything). But who knows.
Alright so below is what I am going to call my 'Stats' section. I'm going to record a bunch of different things as I transition to see how I progress.
Weight: 285 lb (130kg)
Libido: Kinda there but not pressing.
Skin: Broke out a little before my last menstruation but cleared up. A couple little blemishes under my breasts from where sweat has accumulated while binding. Nothing big or noticeable. Skin is mostly clear, non oily.
Hair: I generally have thinner hair. I just got my hair cut and it is still growing pretty quickly. No existing bald spots or masculine hairline.
Body Hair: Pits and legs. Light arm hair, very fine facial peach fuzz and happy trail.
Dosage: Not on T.
Amount of time on T: Not on T.
Build: Overweight, 5'9.5", decent leg, arm, and shoulder strength, poor back strength
Menstruation: Finished a very light cycle today. Only a couple days long and light the whole way through.
Energy Level: Low energy. Worked out yesterday and over worked stomach so it's sore to move which is given me as much excuse as I need to not go to the gym today.
Voice: Normal pre-T voice. Alto vocal range.
Misc: Shoe size 10.5 US
If anyone wants anything else tracked, let me know.
So okay, I've recently really gotten involved with GenderBride which was the group I was mostly talking about last time. I'm now their coordinator since it became vacant and I wanted to volunteer. It's pretty sweet. I'm 100% immersed there and supported 100% on it. I keep getting called guy and bloke by the Kiwi's I work with and each time it just is like a huge boost to my esteem. I'm finding I'm just generally more happy. I can have intense anxiety about social situations but I haven't once felt it there. I've got some really great friends there too now, which is really nice in and of itself. Shan's also finding a lot of support with other partners which is great for her. She's come around almost completely. She still slips and calls me 'she' but she's working on it. She's even on the board of GenderBridge.
We also went to a NZTransguys party and met some other guys. One guy had his chest done in August and it looked AMAZING. He had a keyhole surgery so it wouldn't be the results I had at all, but Shan was fascinated by how good he looked. He had been transitioning for 2 years and looked flawless. He was 17-19 when he started so he's still young, but still, it was the total ideal you know? Looked more like a guy than a lot of guys I've known in my life.
On the medical front, I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist named Dr. Ian Holdaway. He is very familiar with the transition process and very thorough during our first session. He gave me a check up and we talked T options. He likes to go gently, often prescribing pills instead of shots to start with low dosages. He doesn't like "jarring the body" with high doses of T in general, it was a long discussion before he would consider giving me 50-100mg versus 25mg shots to start.
But first I had to get my psych clearance. Dr. Holdaway first referred me to Dr. Louise Armstrong, but after 5 weeks she finally got back to him to inform him she wasn't taking patients. So I was then referred to Dr. Ian Goodwin and was in to see him within two weeks. Shan came with me and by the time our session was done, he gave the thumbs up and was 100% behind me getting on T and pursuing this. Since it had been 7 weeks since my appointment with Holdaway I set up an appointment in advance to meet with Holdaway again so that he could do my prescription and we could get this ball rolling. Dr. Goodwin was willing to expedite his letter for me, instead of two weeks he had it done and sent out in two days.
So yesterday I met with Holdaway again. This time Shan was able to come and we had a lot of the same conversations. He was set on pills (which I've heard nothing but horror stories about in US blogs and I'm not keen on), then he suggested the cream (which can rub off onto Shan and since she has PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - and that means she has too much testosterone for her parts to work properly... so I didn't want her getting any more through me). He then suggested the patch, which we talked about me not having a good history of patches. I break out with them and have a tendency to pick things off of me (like bandaids or patches) if they piss me off. We then talked about doing implants as well, which is WAY out of my price range considering it'd have to be done in the hospital and I'd have to pay for that.
It seemed like he was really beating around giving me the shots, like any option was better. But then we had the same conversation, he wanted to start me off at 25mg for 3 months, then up to 50 for 2, then 75 for 2 then 100. And it was like, WTF? We already talked this out buddy. It took about 10 minutes and a lot of everything to get him to agree to the 50 to start, and even that might change before my first shot. I hope to god he doesn't give me 25 or I'll just add 25 more at home. I'm going to be getting a 1000cc bottle to self administer at home. It is a lot better option than the 100 bottles that are single use, so I'd be tossing a lot of T out because I couldn't use it. It just wasn't financially sound either. The bigger bottle was just a better choice for me.
So tomorrow, I have my first shot. The nurses are going to teach Shan how to do the shots so we can do it at home from now on. I will also get paperwork to do a blood test in three weeks to just see where my testosterone levels are. I won't have to see him for 3 months at that point to do a full check up and see where I am and how I'm doing with everything. I won't find out until tomorrow if he went with 25 or 50 but I hope larger. He's considering it because I have slightly elevated testosterone levels already. The average girl has a level of 2, boys have from 8-30. I had 3.5. Oooh. So HIGH. *sarcasm inserted*. He also worries about my blood thickening too much or my cholesterol getting bad but it's just undue concern. I have a great cholesterol level and I feel like I have really thin blood (mostly cause it takes me forever to heal from anything). But who knows.
Alright so below is what I am going to call my 'Stats' section. I'm going to record a bunch of different things as I transition to see how I progress.
Weight: 285 lb (130kg)
Libido: Kinda there but not pressing.
Skin: Broke out a little before my last menstruation but cleared up. A couple little blemishes under my breasts from where sweat has accumulated while binding. Nothing big or noticeable. Skin is mostly clear, non oily.
Hair: I generally have thinner hair. I just got my hair cut and it is still growing pretty quickly. No existing bald spots or masculine hairline.
Body Hair: Pits and legs. Light arm hair, very fine facial peach fuzz and happy trail.
Dosage: Not on T.
Amount of time on T: Not on T.
Build: Overweight, 5'9.5", decent leg, arm, and shoulder strength, poor back strength
Menstruation: Finished a very light cycle today. Only a couple days long and light the whole way through.
Energy Level: Low energy. Worked out yesterday and over worked stomach so it's sore to move which is given me as much excuse as I need to not go to the gym today.
Voice: Normal pre-T voice. Alto vocal range.
Misc: Shoe size 10.5 US
If anyone wants anything else tracked, let me know.
Friday, September 17, 2010
When do we start?
Has it nearly been a month since I started this thing? Wow I suck. At the time it seemed like not too much has happened but looking back I see I've actually done a lot.
So I got my binder, it only took three days to come from Miami. I LOVE THAT THING! It's a little long, long enough that it slides down over my hips and I'm 5'10 with a long torso. Though the downside is I'm losing weight and I was right on the bubble between sizes so I went with the larger size. It's a little large and doesn't compress as much as I would like it to but realistically I'm not sure if it will. I have large breasts so I can't do miracles but it helps immensely. The more I layer the better it works too. Summer's coming though so I don't know how I'll handle layers in the hot New Zealand summers with 100% humidity.
I also started searching more online, finding more blogs and just snooping around. I know that I want to get my chest done, 100% without a doubt. I'm starting to snoop surgeons, but I know that's a bit away yet. If I want MSP (BC Health Insurance, since I'm a permanent resident of Canada) to cover it (which I would since it'd pretty much be free) then I have a bunch of hoops to jump through, psychological and social as well. It's a bit intimidating because I'm such an instant gratification person- I want it and I want it now. HA! Patience is not one of my virtues. I've started looking at different top surgeons, Michael L. Brown comes up a lot. He's in San Francisco but I really like his work. There's also Dr. Charles Garramone who's in Florida. While I don't like how a lot of his nipple graft work turned out, I must admit I really am tempted to do the "Manscaping" which is lipo to reshape curves into a more masculine form. I'd be down for that.
Anyway, getting ahead of myself.
So I found this group called Gender Bridge online. It's for Trans in Auckland, or all of NZ if they can get to the monthly groups. While I'm usually SO not the 'group' type, Shan and I decided to go. BEST DECISION EVER!
Every single person there was more than willing to help in any and all ways possible. I got tons of cards and suggestions and it's amazing. It's this wealth of information that they're all BURSTING to share. I haven't really used my name (Jacob- duh) in public much. Shan calls me it and that's about it, but I went by it there and it was really liberating. I did kinda auto-correct myself and say my name was Ashley at one point but I caught it and fixed it... Only once though which isn't bad for 27 years of being called Ashley. It was really an incredible and intense experience. I left the meeting completely pumped and thrilled and since then I've been doing more research then I think I've ever done. I'm already counting down the days to the next meeting and have added several members to Facebook (link here) as well. I feel like I've really found a place for myself and that's amazing.
So right now I'm looking to find myself an endo that won't cost me an arm and a leg. The one my AUT doctor referred me to is either 250 or 350 for the first appointment which is way too much. I'm still holding onto my appointment and trying to get MSP to cover it but if they won't I'll cancel it. I've got a couple suggestions from the GenderBridge group and I'm going to make calls on Monday and see what to do. Hormones are the first step for me. My dream (hopefully coming to fruition) is to have top surgery done by next summer (so like Northern Hemisphere Summer for me) so that I can go shirtless. My fantasy (of course) is to have it scheduled and done before this Summer but considering it's Spring already, I know it's wishful thinking. I just want this to begin, you know?
Part of Shan's process is to find support for her because this is a change for the both of us. I've initially gotten in touch with a therapist but again, finances are a bit of a kicker on that. It's not ridiculously expensive but it's still enough to cause a slight pause. I'll check in with both my insurance companies and see if they'll cover it and hope that one of them does. I know worst worst worst case scenario, I can ask my parents to help pay for it but that's it's own can of worms.
I'm still terrified of telling my parents. I know they'll eventually get around to it but my mom had this huge 'mourning' period when I came out and I anticipate a second one, but I really don't want to be deceptive. I don't want to spring it on her after I've had top surgery and a year of testosterone. It'll come up, sooner rather than later. I don't know how they'll take it and Shan's scared they'll cut off the money that they're sending to us already which would put us in a world of hurt and I don't want to do that. Her education is vastly important to me and I don't want to deprive her of anything.
So I got my binder, it only took three days to come from Miami. I LOVE THAT THING! It's a little long, long enough that it slides down over my hips and I'm 5'10 with a long torso. Though the downside is I'm losing weight and I was right on the bubble between sizes so I went with the larger size. It's a little large and doesn't compress as much as I would like it to but realistically I'm not sure if it will. I have large breasts so I can't do miracles but it helps immensely. The more I layer the better it works too. Summer's coming though so I don't know how I'll handle layers in the hot New Zealand summers with 100% humidity.
I also started searching more online, finding more blogs and just snooping around. I know that I want to get my chest done, 100% without a doubt. I'm starting to snoop surgeons, but I know that's a bit away yet. If I want MSP (BC Health Insurance, since I'm a permanent resident of Canada) to cover it (which I would since it'd pretty much be free) then I have a bunch of hoops to jump through, psychological and social as well. It's a bit intimidating because I'm such an instant gratification person- I want it and I want it now. HA! Patience is not one of my virtues. I've started looking at different top surgeons, Michael L. Brown comes up a lot. He's in San Francisco but I really like his work. There's also Dr. Charles Garramone who's in Florida. While I don't like how a lot of his nipple graft work turned out, I must admit I really am tempted to do the "Manscaping" which is lipo to reshape curves into a more masculine form. I'd be down for that.
Anyway, getting ahead of myself.
So I found this group called Gender Bridge online. It's for Trans in Auckland, or all of NZ if they can get to the monthly groups. While I'm usually SO not the 'group' type, Shan and I decided to go. BEST DECISION EVER!
Every single person there was more than willing to help in any and all ways possible. I got tons of cards and suggestions and it's amazing. It's this wealth of information that they're all BURSTING to share. I haven't really used my name (Jacob- duh) in public much. Shan calls me it and that's about it, but I went by it there and it was really liberating. I did kinda auto-correct myself and say my name was Ashley at one point but I caught it and fixed it... Only once though which isn't bad for 27 years of being called Ashley. It was really an incredible and intense experience. I left the meeting completely pumped and thrilled and since then I've been doing more research then I think I've ever done. I'm already counting down the days to the next meeting and have added several members to Facebook (link here) as well. I feel like I've really found a place for myself and that's amazing.
So right now I'm looking to find myself an endo that won't cost me an arm and a leg. The one my AUT doctor referred me to is either 250 or 350 for the first appointment which is way too much. I'm still holding onto my appointment and trying to get MSP to cover it but if they won't I'll cancel it. I've got a couple suggestions from the GenderBridge group and I'm going to make calls on Monday and see what to do. Hormones are the first step for me. My dream (hopefully coming to fruition) is to have top surgery done by next summer (so like Northern Hemisphere Summer for me) so that I can go shirtless. My fantasy (of course) is to have it scheduled and done before this Summer but considering it's Spring already, I know it's wishful thinking. I just want this to begin, you know?
Part of Shan's process is to find support for her because this is a change for the both of us. I've initially gotten in touch with a therapist but again, finances are a bit of a kicker on that. It's not ridiculously expensive but it's still enough to cause a slight pause. I'll check in with both my insurance companies and see if they'll cover it and hope that one of them does. I know worst worst worst case scenario, I can ask my parents to help pay for it but that's it's own can of worms.
I'm still terrified of telling my parents. I know they'll eventually get around to it but my mom had this huge 'mourning' period when I came out and I anticipate a second one, but I really don't want to be deceptive. I don't want to spring it on her after I've had top surgery and a year of testosterone. It'll come up, sooner rather than later. I don't know how they'll take it and Shan's scared they'll cut off the money that they're sending to us already which would put us in a world of hurt and I don't want to do that. Her education is vastly important to me and I don't want to deprive her of anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)