Weight: No change
Libido: General arousal but not what could be deemed horniness.
Skin: Noticeably oily, especially my T-zone (forehead and nose), a little on my cheeks and a little bit of breaking out on my chin.
Hair: First time since cutting my hair short that I've seen more than one or two hairs loose when I showered. I saw a half dozen which was a lot.
Body Hair: No change
Dosage: 50mg
Amount of time on T: 1 week
Build: No change
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Haven't been sleeping well, so my energy has been a bit low.
Voice: Throat is sore off and on, off and on my voice feels higher and lower but nothing obvious.
Misc: N/A
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Day 1
So a little over 24 hours ago, I got my first shot of T. We had to go to Greenlane hospital so Shannon could be taught how to do the injections and that was really cool for her.
Anyways, back tracking a bit. So the night before my injection, Shan and I both had trouble falling asleep. I don't think it was any special reason why, not nerves for the next day and the step we would be taking so much as we just couldn't fall asleep. Neither of us are particularly morning people if we can help it, so when morning came by we hadn't been sleeping that long.
I am one of those people who doesn't function particularly well without sleep. I need about 5 hours or I get exceptionally emotional and sometimes my heart can race a little. It's like having a battery undercharged, it's still trying to do all the work you need it to do, it just doesn't have the juice. So that was me for the first part of yesterday.
The alarm went off and there was no way I was going back to sleep. We'd given ourselves an hour to get out the door to get across town to Greenlane. Shan wasn't ready to get up so I got up and got ready, did my audio recording (that went on my last blog- I lied about the date but it was still my voice pre-t), and then I got Shan up. We ended up out the door exactly when we had intended to leave which is not very like us but good.
We missed the traffic rush, so we ended up at the hospital about 15 minutes early. We had to pick up my bottle of T that we'd be taking home. It was this tiny little thing, 100mg/ml - so a thousand mgs- which is about 8 doses for me with a little left over. It cost me 3 dollars. You heard it 3 dollars. I never imagined it'd cost that little, but I wasn't going to argue. So we got it and then went upstairs.
We were in the waiting room until the exact minute of my appointment when the nurse came in. She was awesome, excited to teach Shan and very cool. As we walked to the room, I noticed a guy from GenderBridge was there getting some fasting tests done before he started T. We got set up in the office and went to talk to him. We were seeing the same Endo, but unlike me he hadn't challenged the doctor's usual methods of starting on pills at 25 mg and slowly working up to full dose then converting to full dose shots. He didn't even really know that was an option, to challenge the system to get more. Only that no matter what subsidized option he chose he would have to start very low and work his way up.
We chatted for a bit then headed to the room again. The nurse had finished setting up and getting everything ready while we talked with Jay and then she walked Shannon through everything. I mean everything. How to determine the dose of something if the bottle is in a different level of dosage, how to do the math on that, how to identify good injection locations, how to draw the needle and get it ready- slowly cause all Testosterone uses oil as a base, mine was cotton seed oil... and then it was the magic time. I chose to do it standing cause for some reason, laying down kinda sounds worse to me. The needle was a .22 gauge and looked a lot bigger than it felt. I relaxed my leg and she counted to three to inject it. I totally thought it'd be like "Okay, on the count of three I'll do it. One -STICK-" but no she waited til three... I braced myself (while trying to keep my leg relaxed) and then it was in. It didn't hurt at all.
Like it actually was the slightest of pinches and then when it came out it was hardly noticeable. It isn't sore even today. There was no ache, a little itchy but that was all in my head because the itch migrated all over my ass. It was all in all painless.
We got some needles and what not that we'd need for the injections and then headed out. We were having dinner company over and we had to finish cleaning and get some stuff picked up for the meal. We had a bit of scrambling, but by 3 we had gotten everything pretty much ready. I didn't have much prepwork left for dinner and we had a spotless house. During that time anything I felt, I was questioning if it was the T 'kicking in'. Always it was no and it eventually drove Shan crazy a little.
Our guests were coming around 5-ish so we planned to nap a little and went to bed around 3:30 and I didn't really sleep but I rested (and boy did I need it!) but Shan was out like a light. I was up around 4:40, cause I didn't want to be in bed if they came early. I let her stay in bed until 5. But our guests ended up caught in traffic and weren't here until 6. Oh well, I wouldn't have slept and we got some more last minute stuff done around the house.
They came and were here until about 9:30 when they had to head home. It was a good dinner, but kinda exhausting. By 10, I was struggling to stay awake and by 11 I called it a night. It only lasted for about 20 minutes before just laying down recharged me. I was wide awake so I went to the gym. I noticed my skin felt a little oily on my face on the drive there but nothing else felt different.
I was a bit sore and tired at the gym, I normally start with 15 minutes of cardio and go to the weight machines, then go to the free weights, then do some weights and end with 5 more of cardio. But I only did about 10 minutes on the bike (which wasn't as cardio intensive as the full body machines I normally use) and then a lot of short burst machine work. With free wights I did a lot more, especially my arms, and pretty much worked myself until I was tired again. I had expected it to be 15-20 mins of overall work but it was closer to 40 before I really felt DONE.
I've set a goal for myself (aside from losing weight) that I want to be able to do chin-ups... to have that kind of arm strength. I've never been able to do them and I really want to be able to. I was able to do several reps at 100 pounds without much difficulty so I'll work my way up.
So okay, that's my boring boring day. My face is a little oily, my voice seems normal, no magical facial hair or anything. Nothing too exciting except I'm going to go see Tron tonight.
Weight: No change
Libido: No real change, a little excited but I can naturally be that way.
Skin: The only real change I've felt and could point at and say 'this is new' is my face has been a bit oily.
Hair: No change
Body Hair: No change
Dosage: 50mg
Amount of time on T: 1 day
Build: No change
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Exhausted most of the day (due to lack of sleep), had an hour nap and still remained fairly tired. Went to bed early (11pm) about 20 minutes of laying there I got really energetic and went to the gym. Only anticipated doing a 15 minute work out and did a 1/2 hour.
Voice: Throat is sore, not sure if it's from the heat and humidity and having to have constant fans on, allergies, or T.
Misc: N/A
Anyways, back tracking a bit. So the night before my injection, Shan and I both had trouble falling asleep. I don't think it was any special reason why, not nerves for the next day and the step we would be taking so much as we just couldn't fall asleep. Neither of us are particularly morning people if we can help it, so when morning came by we hadn't been sleeping that long.
I am one of those people who doesn't function particularly well without sleep. I need about 5 hours or I get exceptionally emotional and sometimes my heart can race a little. It's like having a battery undercharged, it's still trying to do all the work you need it to do, it just doesn't have the juice. So that was me for the first part of yesterday.
The alarm went off and there was no way I was going back to sleep. We'd given ourselves an hour to get out the door to get across town to Greenlane. Shan wasn't ready to get up so I got up and got ready, did my audio recording (that went on my last blog- I lied about the date but it was still my voice pre-t), and then I got Shan up. We ended up out the door exactly when we had intended to leave which is not very like us but good.
We missed the traffic rush, so we ended up at the hospital about 15 minutes early. We had to pick up my bottle of T that we'd be taking home. It was this tiny little thing, 100mg/ml - so a thousand mgs- which is about 8 doses for me with a little left over. It cost me 3 dollars. You heard it 3 dollars. I never imagined it'd cost that little, but I wasn't going to argue. So we got it and then went upstairs.
We were in the waiting room until the exact minute of my appointment when the nurse came in. She was awesome, excited to teach Shan and very cool. As we walked to the room, I noticed a guy from GenderBridge was there getting some fasting tests done before he started T. We got set up in the office and went to talk to him. We were seeing the same Endo, but unlike me he hadn't challenged the doctor's usual methods of starting on pills at 25 mg and slowly working up to full dose then converting to full dose shots. He didn't even really know that was an option, to challenge the system to get more. Only that no matter what subsidized option he chose he would have to start very low and work his way up.
We chatted for a bit then headed to the room again. The nurse had finished setting up and getting everything ready while we talked with Jay and then she walked Shannon through everything. I mean everything. How to determine the dose of something if the bottle is in a different level of dosage, how to do the math on that, how to identify good injection locations, how to draw the needle and get it ready- slowly cause all Testosterone uses oil as a base, mine was cotton seed oil... and then it was the magic time. I chose to do it standing cause for some reason, laying down kinda sounds worse to me. The needle was a .22 gauge and looked a lot bigger than it felt. I relaxed my leg and she counted to three to inject it. I totally thought it'd be like "Okay, on the count of three I'll do it. One -STICK-" but no she waited til three... I braced myself (while trying to keep my leg relaxed) and then it was in. It didn't hurt at all.
Like it actually was the slightest of pinches and then when it came out it was hardly noticeable. It isn't sore even today. There was no ache, a little itchy but that was all in my head because the itch migrated all over my ass. It was all in all painless.
We got some needles and what not that we'd need for the injections and then headed out. We were having dinner company over and we had to finish cleaning and get some stuff picked up for the meal. We had a bit of scrambling, but by 3 we had gotten everything pretty much ready. I didn't have much prepwork left for dinner and we had a spotless house. During that time anything I felt, I was questioning if it was the T 'kicking in'. Always it was no and it eventually drove Shan crazy a little.
Our guests were coming around 5-ish so we planned to nap a little and went to bed around 3:30 and I didn't really sleep but I rested (and boy did I need it!) but Shan was out like a light. I was up around 4:40, cause I didn't want to be in bed if they came early. I let her stay in bed until 5. But our guests ended up caught in traffic and weren't here until 6. Oh well, I wouldn't have slept and we got some more last minute stuff done around the house.
They came and were here until about 9:30 when they had to head home. It was a good dinner, but kinda exhausting. By 10, I was struggling to stay awake and by 11 I called it a night. It only lasted for about 20 minutes before just laying down recharged me. I was wide awake so I went to the gym. I noticed my skin felt a little oily on my face on the drive there but nothing else felt different.
I was a bit sore and tired at the gym, I normally start with 15 minutes of cardio and go to the weight machines, then go to the free weights, then do some weights and end with 5 more of cardio. But I only did about 10 minutes on the bike (which wasn't as cardio intensive as the full body machines I normally use) and then a lot of short burst machine work. With free wights I did a lot more, especially my arms, and pretty much worked myself until I was tired again. I had expected it to be 15-20 mins of overall work but it was closer to 40 before I really felt DONE.
I've set a goal for myself (aside from losing weight) that I want to be able to do chin-ups... to have that kind of arm strength. I've never been able to do them and I really want to be able to. I was able to do several reps at 100 pounds without much difficulty so I'll work my way up.
So okay, that's my boring boring day. My face is a little oily, my voice seems normal, no magical facial hair or anything. Nothing too exciting except I'm going to go see Tron tonight.
Weight: No change
Libido: No real change, a little excited but I can naturally be that way.
Skin: The only real change I've felt and could point at and say 'this is new' is my face has been a bit oily.
Hair: No change
Body Hair: No change
Dosage: 50mg
Amount of time on T: 1 day
Build: No change
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Exhausted most of the day (due to lack of sleep), had an hour nap and still remained fairly tired. Went to bed early (11pm) about 20 minutes of laying there I got really energetic and went to the gym. Only anticipated doing a 15 minute work out and did a 1/2 hour.
Voice: Throat is sore, not sure if it's from the heat and humidity and having to have constant fans on, allergies, or T.
Misc: N/A
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Update
I wish I could say that I haven't really been blogging because there hasn't been anything going on but I think it's been so much but in such tiny morsels here and there. It really hasn't really felt like much at the time but looking back it's been a very, very busy few months.
So okay, I've recently really gotten involved with GenderBride which was the group I was mostly talking about last time. I'm now their coordinator since it became vacant and I wanted to volunteer. It's pretty sweet. I'm 100% immersed there and supported 100% on it. I keep getting called guy and bloke by the Kiwi's I work with and each time it just is like a huge boost to my esteem. I'm finding I'm just generally more happy. I can have intense anxiety about social situations but I haven't once felt it there. I've got some really great friends there too now, which is really nice in and of itself. Shan's also finding a lot of support with other partners which is great for her. She's come around almost completely. She still slips and calls me 'she' but she's working on it. She's even on the board of GenderBridge.
We also went to a NZTransguys party and met some other guys. One guy had his chest done in August and it looked AMAZING. He had a keyhole surgery so it wouldn't be the results I had at all, but Shan was fascinated by how good he looked. He had been transitioning for 2 years and looked flawless. He was 17-19 when he started so he's still young, but still, it was the total ideal you know? Looked more like a guy than a lot of guys I've known in my life.
On the medical front, I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist named Dr. Ian Holdaway. He is very familiar with the transition process and very thorough during our first session. He gave me a check up and we talked T options. He likes to go gently, often prescribing pills instead of shots to start with low dosages. He doesn't like "jarring the body" with high doses of T in general, it was a long discussion before he would consider giving me 50-100mg versus 25mg shots to start.
But first I had to get my psych clearance. Dr. Holdaway first referred me to Dr. Louise Armstrong, but after 5 weeks she finally got back to him to inform him she wasn't taking patients. So I was then referred to Dr. Ian Goodwin and was in to see him within two weeks. Shan came with me and by the time our session was done, he gave the thumbs up and was 100% behind me getting on T and pursuing this. Since it had been 7 weeks since my appointment with Holdaway I set up an appointment in advance to meet with Holdaway again so that he could do my prescription and we could get this ball rolling. Dr. Goodwin was willing to expedite his letter for me, instead of two weeks he had it done and sent out in two days.
So yesterday I met with Holdaway again. This time Shan was able to come and we had a lot of the same conversations. He was set on pills (which I've heard nothing but horror stories about in US blogs and I'm not keen on), then he suggested the cream (which can rub off onto Shan and since she has PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - and that means she has too much testosterone for her parts to work properly... so I didn't want her getting any more through me). He then suggested the patch, which we talked about me not having a good history of patches. I break out with them and have a tendency to pick things off of me (like bandaids or patches) if they piss me off. We then talked about doing implants as well, which is WAY out of my price range considering it'd have to be done in the hospital and I'd have to pay for that.
It seemed like he was really beating around giving me the shots, like any option was better. But then we had the same conversation, he wanted to start me off at 25mg for 3 months, then up to 50 for 2, then 75 for 2 then 100. And it was like, WTF? We already talked this out buddy. It took about 10 minutes and a lot of everything to get him to agree to the 50 to start, and even that might change before my first shot. I hope to god he doesn't give me 25 or I'll just add 25 more at home. I'm going to be getting a 1000cc bottle to self administer at home. It is a lot better option than the 100 bottles that are single use, so I'd be tossing a lot of T out because I couldn't use it. It just wasn't financially sound either. The bigger bottle was just a better choice for me.
So tomorrow, I have my first shot. The nurses are going to teach Shan how to do the shots so we can do it at home from now on. I will also get paperwork to do a blood test in three weeks to just see where my testosterone levels are. I won't have to see him for 3 months at that point to do a full check up and see where I am and how I'm doing with everything. I won't find out until tomorrow if he went with 25 or 50 but I hope larger. He's considering it because I have slightly elevated testosterone levels already. The average girl has a level of 2, boys have from 8-30. I had 3.5. Oooh. So HIGH. *sarcasm inserted*. He also worries about my blood thickening too much or my cholesterol getting bad but it's just undue concern. I have a great cholesterol level and I feel like I have really thin blood (mostly cause it takes me forever to heal from anything). But who knows.
Alright so below is what I am going to call my 'Stats' section. I'm going to record a bunch of different things as I transition to see how I progress.
Weight: 285 lb (130kg)
Libido: Kinda there but not pressing.
Skin: Broke out a little before my last menstruation but cleared up. A couple little blemishes under my breasts from where sweat has accumulated while binding. Nothing big or noticeable. Skin is mostly clear, non oily.
Hair: I generally have thinner hair. I just got my hair cut and it is still growing pretty quickly. No existing bald spots or masculine hairline.
Body Hair: Pits and legs. Light arm hair, very fine facial peach fuzz and happy trail.
Dosage: Not on T.
Amount of time on T: Not on T.
Build: Overweight, 5'9.5", decent leg, arm, and shoulder strength, poor back strength
Menstruation: Finished a very light cycle today. Only a couple days long and light the whole way through.
Energy Level: Low energy. Worked out yesterday and over worked stomach so it's sore to move which is given me as much excuse as I need to not go to the gym today.
Voice: Normal pre-T voice. Alto vocal range.
Misc: Shoe size 10.5 US
If anyone wants anything else tracked, let me know.
So okay, I've recently really gotten involved with GenderBride which was the group I was mostly talking about last time. I'm now their coordinator since it became vacant and I wanted to volunteer. It's pretty sweet. I'm 100% immersed there and supported 100% on it. I keep getting called guy and bloke by the Kiwi's I work with and each time it just is like a huge boost to my esteem. I'm finding I'm just generally more happy. I can have intense anxiety about social situations but I haven't once felt it there. I've got some really great friends there too now, which is really nice in and of itself. Shan's also finding a lot of support with other partners which is great for her. She's come around almost completely. She still slips and calls me 'she' but she's working on it. She's even on the board of GenderBridge.
We also went to a NZTransguys party and met some other guys. One guy had his chest done in August and it looked AMAZING. He had a keyhole surgery so it wouldn't be the results I had at all, but Shan was fascinated by how good he looked. He had been transitioning for 2 years and looked flawless. He was 17-19 when he started so he's still young, but still, it was the total ideal you know? Looked more like a guy than a lot of guys I've known in my life.
On the medical front, I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist named Dr. Ian Holdaway. He is very familiar with the transition process and very thorough during our first session. He gave me a check up and we talked T options. He likes to go gently, often prescribing pills instead of shots to start with low dosages. He doesn't like "jarring the body" with high doses of T in general, it was a long discussion before he would consider giving me 50-100mg versus 25mg shots to start.
But first I had to get my psych clearance. Dr. Holdaway first referred me to Dr. Louise Armstrong, but after 5 weeks she finally got back to him to inform him she wasn't taking patients. So I was then referred to Dr. Ian Goodwin and was in to see him within two weeks. Shan came with me and by the time our session was done, he gave the thumbs up and was 100% behind me getting on T and pursuing this. Since it had been 7 weeks since my appointment with Holdaway I set up an appointment in advance to meet with Holdaway again so that he could do my prescription and we could get this ball rolling. Dr. Goodwin was willing to expedite his letter for me, instead of two weeks he had it done and sent out in two days.
So yesterday I met with Holdaway again. This time Shan was able to come and we had a lot of the same conversations. He was set on pills (which I've heard nothing but horror stories about in US blogs and I'm not keen on), then he suggested the cream (which can rub off onto Shan and since she has PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - and that means she has too much testosterone for her parts to work properly... so I didn't want her getting any more through me). He then suggested the patch, which we talked about me not having a good history of patches. I break out with them and have a tendency to pick things off of me (like bandaids or patches) if they piss me off. We then talked about doing implants as well, which is WAY out of my price range considering it'd have to be done in the hospital and I'd have to pay for that.
It seemed like he was really beating around giving me the shots, like any option was better. But then we had the same conversation, he wanted to start me off at 25mg for 3 months, then up to 50 for 2, then 75 for 2 then 100. And it was like, WTF? We already talked this out buddy. It took about 10 minutes and a lot of everything to get him to agree to the 50 to start, and even that might change before my first shot. I hope to god he doesn't give me 25 or I'll just add 25 more at home. I'm going to be getting a 1000cc bottle to self administer at home. It is a lot better option than the 100 bottles that are single use, so I'd be tossing a lot of T out because I couldn't use it. It just wasn't financially sound either. The bigger bottle was just a better choice for me.
So tomorrow, I have my first shot. The nurses are going to teach Shan how to do the shots so we can do it at home from now on. I will also get paperwork to do a blood test in three weeks to just see where my testosterone levels are. I won't have to see him for 3 months at that point to do a full check up and see where I am and how I'm doing with everything. I won't find out until tomorrow if he went with 25 or 50 but I hope larger. He's considering it because I have slightly elevated testosterone levels already. The average girl has a level of 2, boys have from 8-30. I had 3.5. Oooh. So HIGH. *sarcasm inserted*. He also worries about my blood thickening too much or my cholesterol getting bad but it's just undue concern. I have a great cholesterol level and I feel like I have really thin blood (mostly cause it takes me forever to heal from anything). But who knows.
Alright so below is what I am going to call my 'Stats' section. I'm going to record a bunch of different things as I transition to see how I progress.
Weight: 285 lb (130kg)
Libido: Kinda there but not pressing.
Skin: Broke out a little before my last menstruation but cleared up. A couple little blemishes under my breasts from where sweat has accumulated while binding. Nothing big or noticeable. Skin is mostly clear, non oily.
Hair: I generally have thinner hair. I just got my hair cut and it is still growing pretty quickly. No existing bald spots or masculine hairline.
Body Hair: Pits and legs. Light arm hair, very fine facial peach fuzz and happy trail.
Dosage: Not on T.
Amount of time on T: Not on T.
Build: Overweight, 5'9.5", decent leg, arm, and shoulder strength, poor back strength
Menstruation: Finished a very light cycle today. Only a couple days long and light the whole way through.
Energy Level: Low energy. Worked out yesterday and over worked stomach so it's sore to move which is given me as much excuse as I need to not go to the gym today.
Voice: Normal pre-T voice. Alto vocal range.
Misc: Shoe size 10.5 US
If anyone wants anything else tracked, let me know.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Random Stuff
Oooh, look at me. Two days in the same week. There's a medal for that right?
Anyway. Not much is new. I talked Shan into getting another couple binders because I was wearing the first one every day. It also didn't have a great collar. It tends to bunch in front of my chest, right under my chin and it has a really annoying neckline. I HAVE to wear a crew cut shirt at all times which I find really obnoxious. So I got a t-shirt and a tank. They don't have the double compression but I double up on them and have a better neckline and more realistic looking shirt. I'm pretty stoked about that. I love my layers, but not when I can only do crew neck without looking like a tool.
I've been busy joining facebook and yahoo groups for queer and Trans. I'm really feeling like something beyond myself. I reached out to my cousin (who came out after I did- possibly because I did). He's adorable, 18 or 19 or something but from a VERY small town and a very religious family. I know he's having issues with his sexuality. I don't blame him really. I get what it's like to come out in a religious community. I personally am not religious nor have ever been a member of any church but I grew up with a lot of religious friends and so it's kinda similar. I more feel like he needs the help. So I offered to help him find some queer groups back home that he could join. He's much more social than I am so I really think he'll appreciate it 10 times more than I do. What's hilarious is he has a "lesbian" friend who I saw one picture of and was like "TOTALLY FTM!!!!" I laughed and asked him about her. She's apparently a lesbian. I give her a few years before she realizes that there's a difference but she TOTALLY had a guy's fashion sense.
Anyway. I decided to add a picture of me in my glasses. I have a story about that!
Okay so Shan and I have a Japanese car in NZ, it has stations 80-90 which gives us exactly 3 options to use our iTrip when we want to listen to our iPhones. We don't have a tape deck or auxiliary cable input or anything so it's iTrip or radio. The three options don't work in the city at all and phase in and out everywhere else. So we took the iTrip back and got a car stereo with an axuilary input. We then found out that our car does not physically have the ability to have a stereo put in. So I was at Warehouse (which is kinda like Target, Zellers, or Walmart depending on what country you're in) returning the stereo and I had to go to the security guard there. I had my new glasses on and he kept calling me sir. I was on cloud nine. I didn't say much to him, which is usually when people call me on being a girl but I can tone my voice lower in short bursts (thank you years of choir and a keen sense of faking accents and voices) and sound more masculine so I just grunted out one word answers and he never corrected himself. He said it THREE TIMES!
"Hello Sir."
"Hey" "Have a return?"
"Yup."
"There you go sir."
"Thanks."
"Just go over to the counter there and they'll help you. Have a good day sir."
I nearly danced a jig to the counter to get my money back.
Anyway long story short about the stereo, we found someone to do the auxiliary input and some other stereo tweaks for us for less than the iTrip. AND here's the pic.
Normally I spike my hair up into a bit of a fauxhawk but I felt a little lazy today so just brushed it to the side. I kinda like it like that and Shan does too. She doesn't like my hair down or in a "Ceasar" cut or as she calls it, the "ER George Clooney Douchecut" but she liked it like this.
Also I was snooping youtube. I don't think I have the courage to have a video blog yet *shivers at the thought* but there's a LOT of good FTM stuff. Like harnesses.
I have 2 soft packs from Babeland. Both are the Soft Pack (one medium and one large... the large I found to be ridiculously large.) I have the Cock Sock and the Mr Right Packing Strap. The Mr. Right I had when I had the large pack and the large one hung weirdly- almost folding over at the top since it wasn't anchored in at all. The Cock Sock doesn't work on the large one, only on the medium and only if I'm going commando or in boxers. This all leads me to Youtube. I'm going to try a do-it-yourself harness for a better fit. There's several videos of the double loop harness and I'm going to try that.
Yeah I don't mean to sound like I'm promoting Babeland at all. It's just THE shop I used when living in Washington and in Vancouver. It was the first sex store I bought anything from and they're very cool and laid back there. I'm SUPER uncomfortable in stores like that. Even if they're awesome. If I was left to my own devices I'd be in and out in 30 seconds. I can spend 2 hours buying groceries and clothes and taking my time but sex shop? Hell dude, in and out in a hurry. In Vancouver we shopped at Womyn's Ware and they were awesome too though not much/any packs or stuff there. I haven't found a place here in Auckland yet if I want a new packer or harness or anything so I'm stuck with what I have so I'm going to make the best of it.
Anyway that's it for tonight.
Until next time.
Anyway. Not much is new. I talked Shan into getting another couple binders because I was wearing the first one every day. It also didn't have a great collar. It tends to bunch in front of my chest, right under my chin and it has a really annoying neckline. I HAVE to wear a crew cut shirt at all times which I find really obnoxious. So I got a t-shirt and a tank. They don't have the double compression but I double up on them and have a better neckline and more realistic looking shirt. I'm pretty stoked about that. I love my layers, but not when I can only do crew neck without looking like a tool.
I've been busy joining facebook and yahoo groups for queer and Trans. I'm really feeling like something beyond myself. I reached out to my cousin (who came out after I did- possibly because I did). He's adorable, 18 or 19 or something but from a VERY small town and a very religious family. I know he's having issues with his sexuality. I don't blame him really. I get what it's like to come out in a religious community. I personally am not religious nor have ever been a member of any church but I grew up with a lot of religious friends and so it's kinda similar. I more feel like he needs the help. So I offered to help him find some queer groups back home that he could join. He's much more social than I am so I really think he'll appreciate it 10 times more than I do. What's hilarious is he has a "lesbian" friend who I saw one picture of and was like "TOTALLY FTM!!!!" I laughed and asked him about her. She's apparently a lesbian. I give her a few years before she realizes that there's a difference but she TOTALLY had a guy's fashion sense.
Anyway. I decided to add a picture of me in my glasses. I have a story about that!
Okay so Shan and I have a Japanese car in NZ, it has stations 80-90 which gives us exactly 3 options to use our iTrip when we want to listen to our iPhones. We don't have a tape deck or auxiliary cable input or anything so it's iTrip or radio. The three options don't work in the city at all and phase in and out everywhere else. So we took the iTrip back and got a car stereo with an axuilary input. We then found out that our car does not physically have the ability to have a stereo put in. So I was at Warehouse (which is kinda like Target, Zellers, or Walmart depending on what country you're in) returning the stereo and I had to go to the security guard there. I had my new glasses on and he kept calling me sir. I was on cloud nine. I didn't say much to him, which is usually when people call me on being a girl but I can tone my voice lower in short bursts (thank you years of choir and a keen sense of faking accents and voices) and sound more masculine so I just grunted out one word answers and he never corrected himself. He said it THREE TIMES!
"Hello Sir."
"Hey" "Have a return?"
"Yup."
"There you go sir."
"Thanks."
"Just go over to the counter there and they'll help you. Have a good day sir."
I nearly danced a jig to the counter to get my money back.
Anyway long story short about the stereo, we found someone to do the auxiliary input and some other stereo tweaks for us for less than the iTrip. AND here's the pic.
Normally I spike my hair up into a bit of a fauxhawk but I felt a little lazy today so just brushed it to the side. I kinda like it like that and Shan does too. She doesn't like my hair down or in a "Ceasar" cut or as she calls it, the "ER George Clooney Douchecut" but she liked it like this.
Also I was snooping youtube. I don't think I have the courage to have a video blog yet *shivers at the thought* but there's a LOT of good FTM stuff. Like harnesses.
I have 2 soft packs from Babeland. Both are the Soft Pack (one medium and one large... the large I found to be ridiculously large.) I have the Cock Sock and the Mr Right Packing Strap. The Mr. Right I had when I had the large pack and the large one hung weirdly- almost folding over at the top since it wasn't anchored in at all. The Cock Sock doesn't work on the large one, only on the medium and only if I'm going commando or in boxers. This all leads me to Youtube. I'm going to try a do-it-yourself harness for a better fit. There's several videos of the double loop harness and I'm going to try that.
Yeah I don't mean to sound like I'm promoting Babeland at all. It's just THE shop I used when living in Washington and in Vancouver. It was the first sex store I bought anything from and they're very cool and laid back there. I'm SUPER uncomfortable in stores like that. Even if they're awesome. If I was left to my own devices I'd be in and out in 30 seconds. I can spend 2 hours buying groceries and clothes and taking my time but sex shop? Hell dude, in and out in a hurry. In Vancouver we shopped at Womyn's Ware and they were awesome too though not much/any packs or stuff there. I haven't found a place here in Auckland yet if I want a new packer or harness or anything so I'm stuck with what I have so I'm going to make the best of it.
Anyway that's it for tonight.
Until next time.
Friday, September 17, 2010
When do we start?
Has it nearly been a month since I started this thing? Wow I suck. At the time it seemed like not too much has happened but looking back I see I've actually done a lot.
So I got my binder, it only took three days to come from Miami. I LOVE THAT THING! It's a little long, long enough that it slides down over my hips and I'm 5'10 with a long torso. Though the downside is I'm losing weight and I was right on the bubble between sizes so I went with the larger size. It's a little large and doesn't compress as much as I would like it to but realistically I'm not sure if it will. I have large breasts so I can't do miracles but it helps immensely. The more I layer the better it works too. Summer's coming though so I don't know how I'll handle layers in the hot New Zealand summers with 100% humidity.
I also started searching more online, finding more blogs and just snooping around. I know that I want to get my chest done, 100% without a doubt. I'm starting to snoop surgeons, but I know that's a bit away yet. If I want MSP (BC Health Insurance, since I'm a permanent resident of Canada) to cover it (which I would since it'd pretty much be free) then I have a bunch of hoops to jump through, psychological and social as well. It's a bit intimidating because I'm such an instant gratification person- I want it and I want it now. HA! Patience is not one of my virtues. I've started looking at different top surgeons, Michael L. Brown comes up a lot. He's in San Francisco but I really like his work. There's also Dr. Charles Garramone who's in Florida. While I don't like how a lot of his nipple graft work turned out, I must admit I really am tempted to do the "Manscaping" which is lipo to reshape curves into a more masculine form. I'd be down for that.
Anyway, getting ahead of myself.
So I found this group called Gender Bridge online. It's for Trans in Auckland, or all of NZ if they can get to the monthly groups. While I'm usually SO not the 'group' type, Shan and I decided to go. BEST DECISION EVER!
Every single person there was more than willing to help in any and all ways possible. I got tons of cards and suggestions and it's amazing. It's this wealth of information that they're all BURSTING to share. I haven't really used my name (Jacob- duh) in public much. Shan calls me it and that's about it, but I went by it there and it was really liberating. I did kinda auto-correct myself and say my name was Ashley at one point but I caught it and fixed it... Only once though which isn't bad for 27 years of being called Ashley. It was really an incredible and intense experience. I left the meeting completely pumped and thrilled and since then I've been doing more research then I think I've ever done. I'm already counting down the days to the next meeting and have added several members to Facebook (link here) as well. I feel like I've really found a place for myself and that's amazing.
So right now I'm looking to find myself an endo that won't cost me an arm and a leg. The one my AUT doctor referred me to is either 250 or 350 for the first appointment which is way too much. I'm still holding onto my appointment and trying to get MSP to cover it but if they won't I'll cancel it. I've got a couple suggestions from the GenderBridge group and I'm going to make calls on Monday and see what to do. Hormones are the first step for me. My dream (hopefully coming to fruition) is to have top surgery done by next summer (so like Northern Hemisphere Summer for me) so that I can go shirtless. My fantasy (of course) is to have it scheduled and done before this Summer but considering it's Spring already, I know it's wishful thinking. I just want this to begin, you know?
Part of Shan's process is to find support for her because this is a change for the both of us. I've initially gotten in touch with a therapist but again, finances are a bit of a kicker on that. It's not ridiculously expensive but it's still enough to cause a slight pause. I'll check in with both my insurance companies and see if they'll cover it and hope that one of them does. I know worst worst worst case scenario, I can ask my parents to help pay for it but that's it's own can of worms.
I'm still terrified of telling my parents. I know they'll eventually get around to it but my mom had this huge 'mourning' period when I came out and I anticipate a second one, but I really don't want to be deceptive. I don't want to spring it on her after I've had top surgery and a year of testosterone. It'll come up, sooner rather than later. I don't know how they'll take it and Shan's scared they'll cut off the money that they're sending to us already which would put us in a world of hurt and I don't want to do that. Her education is vastly important to me and I don't want to deprive her of anything.
So I got my binder, it only took three days to come from Miami. I LOVE THAT THING! It's a little long, long enough that it slides down over my hips and I'm 5'10 with a long torso. Though the downside is I'm losing weight and I was right on the bubble between sizes so I went with the larger size. It's a little large and doesn't compress as much as I would like it to but realistically I'm not sure if it will. I have large breasts so I can't do miracles but it helps immensely. The more I layer the better it works too. Summer's coming though so I don't know how I'll handle layers in the hot New Zealand summers with 100% humidity.
I also started searching more online, finding more blogs and just snooping around. I know that I want to get my chest done, 100% without a doubt. I'm starting to snoop surgeons, but I know that's a bit away yet. If I want MSP (BC Health Insurance, since I'm a permanent resident of Canada) to cover it (which I would since it'd pretty much be free) then I have a bunch of hoops to jump through, psychological and social as well. It's a bit intimidating because I'm such an instant gratification person- I want it and I want it now. HA! Patience is not one of my virtues. I've started looking at different top surgeons, Michael L. Brown comes up a lot. He's in San Francisco but I really like his work. There's also Dr. Charles Garramone who's in Florida. While I don't like how a lot of his nipple graft work turned out, I must admit I really am tempted to do the "Manscaping" which is lipo to reshape curves into a more masculine form. I'd be down for that.
Anyway, getting ahead of myself.
So I found this group called Gender Bridge online. It's for Trans in Auckland, or all of NZ if they can get to the monthly groups. While I'm usually SO not the 'group' type, Shan and I decided to go. BEST DECISION EVER!
Every single person there was more than willing to help in any and all ways possible. I got tons of cards and suggestions and it's amazing. It's this wealth of information that they're all BURSTING to share. I haven't really used my name (Jacob- duh) in public much. Shan calls me it and that's about it, but I went by it there and it was really liberating. I did kinda auto-correct myself and say my name was Ashley at one point but I caught it and fixed it... Only once though which isn't bad for 27 years of being called Ashley. It was really an incredible and intense experience. I left the meeting completely pumped and thrilled and since then I've been doing more research then I think I've ever done. I'm already counting down the days to the next meeting and have added several members to Facebook (link here) as well. I feel like I've really found a place for myself and that's amazing.
So right now I'm looking to find myself an endo that won't cost me an arm and a leg. The one my AUT doctor referred me to is either 250 or 350 for the first appointment which is way too much. I'm still holding onto my appointment and trying to get MSP to cover it but if they won't I'll cancel it. I've got a couple suggestions from the GenderBridge group and I'm going to make calls on Monday and see what to do. Hormones are the first step for me. My dream (hopefully coming to fruition) is to have top surgery done by next summer (so like Northern Hemisphere Summer for me) so that I can go shirtless. My fantasy (of course) is to have it scheduled and done before this Summer but considering it's Spring already, I know it's wishful thinking. I just want this to begin, you know?
Part of Shan's process is to find support for her because this is a change for the both of us. I've initially gotten in touch with a therapist but again, finances are a bit of a kicker on that. It's not ridiculously expensive but it's still enough to cause a slight pause. I'll check in with both my insurance companies and see if they'll cover it and hope that one of them does. I know worst worst worst case scenario, I can ask my parents to help pay for it but that's it's own can of worms.
I'm still terrified of telling my parents. I know they'll eventually get around to it but my mom had this huge 'mourning' period when I came out and I anticipate a second one, but I really don't want to be deceptive. I don't want to spring it on her after I've had top surgery and a year of testosterone. It'll come up, sooner rather than later. I don't know how they'll take it and Shan's scared they'll cut off the money that they're sending to us already which would put us in a world of hurt and I don't want to do that. Her education is vastly important to me and I don't want to deprive her of anything.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Introduction
So hey. Hi. It's 1:42 in the morning, probably not the best time to start a blog but better late than never, right?
My name on my birth certificate is Ashley. I've really always kinda hated that name. All the stereotypes for that name were preppy cheerleaders or student council president, at least at my high school. I wasn't like that, I was a jock. I'd always been athletic, my dad was hugely athletic and it was just there my whole life. I played baseball, basketball, soccer, track, anything.
I was a quiet kid, really shy and very emotional. I faced bullying throughout elementary school. When I was in Kindergarten I was bullied because I would cry easily. In first through third grade, I was the only girl in a neighborhood of boys and I tried desperately to fit in. I was naive and trusting and just wanted to be 'one of the boys' which lead to bullying there. My family moved to Puyallup, Washington on Halloween and I started school late in my fourth grade year. School became hell for me.
At my new elementary school there was no such thing as tomboy. I had short hair, baggy clothes, and wanted to play sports with the boys during recess. I was bullied and the more I stood out as a 'tom boy' the worse it got. In the fifth grade I humiliated some boy by out performing him in a pick up game of basketball and on the bus ride home he threatened to 'dip my cat in kerosene and throw it's burning carcass into my house'. My parents flipped but everyone else looked at it as 'kids will be kids'.
The next year a guy who was big (like he went on to be a linebacker in high school and if maybe even college) threw handfuls of rocks on my back over and over after slide tackling him in soccer. My back grew into one giant welt and my principal at my school tried to convince me I had an allergic reaction to something. I got in trouble for replying "yeah the rocks thrown at my back".
For my parents this was enough, my mom went haywire and made a huge fuss with the PTA, I got into martial arts and counseling for confidence. My parents are good people, weird but good. My mom is an open democrat and pagan. My father only once aligned himself to any religion and that was baptist and that's cause the military wanted something to put on his dog tags when he was drafted and at his base, the baptist boys had a good basketball team. The reason I brought that up was cause my atheist and pagan parents were considering sending me to an all-girl's catholic school so I couldn't be bullied anymore. I asked for one semester to try it out at junior high, hoping that the influx of three other elementary schools would give me a better chance to fit in.
I also subconsciously started to assimilate more, I was still a tom boy- I was one of two girls who played football in seventh grade because a rule stipulates that no seventh grade student could be cut from the team for any reason. It never made the gender distinction. Somehow having another girl on the team made it okay and the same kids who bullied me for three years were okay with me, at least for two hours during practice. But other than that, I was no longer cutting my hair short, while I wore tomboyish clothes still, I let my mom pick out girlie clothes for me and I slowly allowed myself to wear these clothes. I also didn't try to make friends. The harder I tried, the worse I failed since I didn't seem to ever speak girl properly.
I got on some really good teams for sports and was a great athlete, until 8th grade when my ankle decided to defy physics during an extramural soccer practice. My ankle went up and over the ball and the top of my foot hit the ground while my leg was still straight. It wasn't pretty but it effectively killed my athletic career. It would take a few years before it took full effect but by the time I graduated I had two bad ankles, two bad knees, and couldn't do more than half-ass it in PE.
In high school I faced my first real bullying by girls, again I attribute this to the fact I didn't speak girl. I shopped at all the popular stores, but the clothes I picked were either boy colors or even from the boy's section. I could never fully get comfortable in girl clothes and only wore dresses to my older sister's wedding (which as soon as I finished being a bride's maid I threw on my high tops) and the only two dances I attended 9th grade and Senior prom. I probably had a couple other things like family things where I had to dress up, but I always remember having jeans or sweats to change into the first second I could get out of the dresses. I also had horrible taste in music (I'll admit that freely). My parents listened to country and oldies and while I knew every Beach Boys song by heart, I missed the days when Green Day was cool so I had no idea what was what with music. I just, I didn't have anything to say to any girl and I fell back on old habits of trying too hard.
By my senior year I had a very small group of friends, people I didn't even like that much but that tolerated my presence. I just stopped caring, I didn't try to make friends, I shut down and just was there. I ignored the whispers and the name calling, ignored the rumors of me staring at girls in the locker room. I made some friends then that I'm still friends with now. People that stood up for me when others called me dyke, who when I finally realized I was attracted to girls the year after graduation were still there for me, and who when I first mentioned that I thought I might want to transition asked if I had any names picked out. 95% of the people I went to high school with, I have completely lost touch with (assuming I had touch in the first place). I hear stories about so and so getting married, divorced, having a baby, coming out, getting arrested, whatever, and I don't really care.
I went to school in Seattle, I wanted to be an actress but I had the weirdest logic for it in my head. I wanted to learn how to be a director and learn to speak the language of the people behind the camera so I could be better in front of it. So I went to film school... at a community college. That lasted for a semester since everyone in my program got drunk and high all the time and because no matter what I did the head of the program gave me a C. I could write my name on paper or give him the best paper I ever wrote. It was his opinion that women belonged in the porn industry and that was the only place they had value.
I moved home, which felt like a death sentence. I hate Puyallup. It's filled with so many religious people, not just that... but bigoted religious people. Mormons, Lutherans, Baptists, idiots. The only gay kids in school were the flaming homo boys... well until after when all the repressed religious kids would come out. I got a lot of apologies when I moved back, and I was still technically oblivious of my sexual identity.
A year after high school I was in a writing group online, and that's where I met Shannon. I was 19 and she was 18 and just starting university at UBC in Vancouver. We hit it off and when I went up to check out UBC film school (which I would recommend to anyone in Canada who wanted to do film. It's a great program- not that I ever took it but I know people who have) we met and it was instant sparks. We were friends for a while and eventually we developed into a relationship. Both of our first real romance and we fell deeply in love.
We made some bad choices, mostly about stupid stuff. Like to save her money on bus fare to come visit I drove to Bellingham instead of Seattle to pick her up and I lied to my mom about it. It killed over a half tank of gas and I was later coming home then I said I was going to. Just stupid stuff, I was too worried about coming out to her that everything coming out of my mouth was pretty much a lie. It eventually blew up in my face and I got grounded for lying. It took her some time but she finally came around to me being a lesbian which was funny because she had a lot of lesbian friends in her circle. I thought my dad would be the hard sell, he is from the Mid-West and he's let slip some comments in the past about different people that were ignorant... but he was the one who was cool with it first. I get why my mom was worried about it, she comes from an EXTREMELY religious family who aren't the most educated. She knew that I would face troubles. She knew how sensitive I was and how hard the road would be.
I eventually moved to Canada to be with Shannon, using whatever kind of permit I could get to just be with her. In Canada it was easier to just be us. We never really hold hands or anything when we were in Puyallup but we were open and comfortable in her native land. We dated for years and a week before our fifth anniversary we decided to get married on our anniversary. Our parents and siblings came, along with all of our friends that could make it in short notice, and we got married on the beach in Vancouver at sunset.
During our relationship, we talked about transgender issues several times. I have huge breasts, I always have. My sister (12 years my senior) has never been larger than a C cup, even when pregnant, and I was a C in high school, and when I put on weight after school they eventually blossomed to the DDD or E size (depending on the bra) mammoths they are now. They continue to be the blight of my existence, but back then, they kept me from ever being able to follow through with anything. Shan and I tried twice to get me boy clothes.
The first time we shopped at a store that didn't quite have my size and I was self conscious so I just grabbed the first thing that kinda fit. We also went to Seattle and went to Babeland (a really amazing woman centric sex store). They had packing penises and Shan (who is a huge feminist and a student midwife) was asking questions I was way to embarrassed to ask. We got a harness (the cheapest they had) and went for a soft pack, but being the total boy I wanted I wanted the biggest one. It ended up being a bit of my undoing since it looked ridiculously large in my pants, would always flop over since it didn't fit in the harness, and at that time my hair was past my shoulder blades (though almost always tied up). I didn't bind, not having the slightest clue how to do it and too nervous to really google anything. It ended up being a bit of a failed experiment.
It came up a few more times during our relationship and I grew a little less nervous each time it came up. We went back to Babeland and bought a medium sized pack this time, a better harness, and then we spent time getting me good boy clothes that fit well and hid my body shape. At the time she was working at a baby store in Vancouver and she had a couple products in store for pregnant women or women who'd just given birth and we improvised a very (VERY) half assed binder. I was more comfortable in the clothes, with the penis, but the binder was torture. I'm a big person, with lots of curves, and the binder would ride up like nobody's business. I could wear it for a bit but then it'd roll into my ribs and become too painful to deal with. I couldn't bind since we'd spent our money on clothes we couldn't afford a decent binder so I just went without.
I also did something else extremely liberating, I cut of 13 inches of hair. After elementary school I only trimmed my hair, but never CUT it short. Maybe bangs or layering or something, but it stayed longer. But I finally just thought 'to hell with it' and cut it short. It was incredible... well aside from the fact that the place where I got it cut had different ideas about what my hair should look like than I did. The first cut was great, the second I looked like a butch gym teacher with a boxy hair cut, the repair cut on that was great, but then the next one I had a very pixie-femme thing going on. I had one hair dresser at the place, the one who did the first cut and all the repairs, she was amazing- everyone else thought masculine or boy cut meant I want to look as dykey as possible. I usually got it fixed and it progressively grew shorter and shorter. We also went to the Trans-Health BC office in Vancouver to start scouting my options for the transition but that got put on hold.
Shannon, who like I said, has a passion for women and babies. She had worked in a baby store and was a doula (birth coach/partner) and post-partum doula (helping new parents transition to having babies) but her passion was midwifery. As a midwife she could be a better advocate for the pregnant woman and that is what she wanted but UBC, her former school and only midwifery option in Western Canada, had and still has an exceptionally small and competitive program. I know that if she'd ever gotten an interview, her passion would've gotten her in but alas over a hundred women would compete each year for 10 spots. We looked at Seattle Midwifery School, which would bring us down to the states where our marriage wouldn't be legally recognized but we could live in Seattle which was gay-friendly enough for us. But unfortunately SMS merged with Bastyr College (a holistic medicine school) and the Midwifery program which had once been easy to get into became a master's program and Shan would have to be in school for a few more years to just get the pre-requesits to attend. So an option which we had begun before but abandoned became our new option. New Zealand.
Canada and New Zealand have similar midwifery practices, like the roles of midwives except that in Canada it's more the 'hippy' or 'new age' parents that have midwives while most births in New Zealand are done by midwives. The biggest perk was that in a country of 4.3 million, there were 5 midwifery schools while Canada with it's 33.1 million had less than 3 schools. Of all the countries in the world, New Zealand is one of the easiest to transfer back to Canada as a midwife. So we decided to move here in January for her to go to school. I decided to fill my time by pursuing a patisserie degree (pastry chef) since I've long since given up on film (but that's another blog entry for another time).
After being here for nearly seven months now, I finally started addressing the issue that my newly developed social anxiety was coming from the fact that when I look in the mirror I don't feel connected to the person I am below the shoulders. So I decided that I was really going to do it, I was really going to follow the path that had always been there for me I just hadn't know exactly how to start down the path.
In Canada you have to live as a male for a year to prove your seriousness, which I had been doing- except at work because I worked as a production assistant in film and was on a new project almost every time I worked and it would've been more burden than it was worth. In Auckland, I walked a fine line. I didn't bring any effeminate clothing but I was in a program where I was the oldest by a good 5 years (with the exception of a woman who had 10 years on me). There was a very immature vibe in the program and I was too nervous to really address it. So I kept it up at home, even if I wasn't packing all the time, I used Jake- Jacob, which was the name my wife and I finally settled on after a LONG stretch of time where we tried to decide.
But I finally built the courage to talk to the university doctor about why I don't think the anxiety medication I was on wasn't working with my social anxiety. I had short hair, boy clothes on, but never came close to passing as a male (which somehow I had done in Vancouver sometimes). We talked gender and body dysphoria and about how tomboy was never the right word for me, about how I never really feel GAY (like I still inwardly flinch when I call myself a lesbian but I proudly proclaim I've got a wife- and if you had my wife you would too). And he referred me to an endocrinologist to begin my journey.
I'm at a small empass there since Shan and I are on a fairly limited budget in New Zealand based off of student loans and VERY generous parents, but the appointment may or may not be covered by the student health insurance I'm on (most likely not) so I'll have to fork out between 100-300 bucks for the appointment which isn't something we can do in the near future. So instead we decided to go to underworks.com and get me a real binder. I've been snooping different Transmen blogs and underworks kept coming up over and over, and plus sized ones raved about particular models so we went with one, the 997, since I've got a long torso and need the extra length it offers so it doesn't hit my hips and roll up uncomfortably.
I haven't told my parents now but I kinda have a feeling this may be easier for them to swallow than me coming out. I was always a little boy trapped in a little girl's body. But since I have some other stuff going on right now I'm not going to broach this with them yet. Instead I'm putting it out on the internet.
It feels very cathartic to just vent like this, to just let my fingers confess stuff that very few people know about me. So this is my goal, to write my journey as I take it. I'll include pictures, possibly audio when I start T and what not. I'm not guaranteeing I'm taking the best way to get to my destination, but it's the journey that counts right?
So for now, this it is... an hour and some later. Ha. I'm sorry if my grammar's hell, it is 3am now.
Oh PS, if you're going to write hateful stuff I'll just delete you but if you have questions, comments, concerns, whatever I'll try to get back to you as best as I can.
Night all,
Jake
My name on my birth certificate is Ashley. I've really always kinda hated that name. All the stereotypes for that name were preppy cheerleaders or student council president, at least at my high school. I wasn't like that, I was a jock. I'd always been athletic, my dad was hugely athletic and it was just there my whole life. I played baseball, basketball, soccer, track, anything.
I was a quiet kid, really shy and very emotional. I faced bullying throughout elementary school. When I was in Kindergarten I was bullied because I would cry easily. In first through third grade, I was the only girl in a neighborhood of boys and I tried desperately to fit in. I was naive and trusting and just wanted to be 'one of the boys' which lead to bullying there. My family moved to Puyallup, Washington on Halloween and I started school late in my fourth grade year. School became hell for me.
At my new elementary school there was no such thing as tomboy. I had short hair, baggy clothes, and wanted to play sports with the boys during recess. I was bullied and the more I stood out as a 'tom boy' the worse it got. In the fifth grade I humiliated some boy by out performing him in a pick up game of basketball and on the bus ride home he threatened to 'dip my cat in kerosene and throw it's burning carcass into my house'. My parents flipped but everyone else looked at it as 'kids will be kids'.
The next year a guy who was big (like he went on to be a linebacker in high school and if maybe even college) threw handfuls of rocks on my back over and over after slide tackling him in soccer. My back grew into one giant welt and my principal at my school tried to convince me I had an allergic reaction to something. I got in trouble for replying "yeah the rocks thrown at my back".
For my parents this was enough, my mom went haywire and made a huge fuss with the PTA, I got into martial arts and counseling for confidence. My parents are good people, weird but good. My mom is an open democrat and pagan. My father only once aligned himself to any religion and that was baptist and that's cause the military wanted something to put on his dog tags when he was drafted and at his base, the baptist boys had a good basketball team. The reason I brought that up was cause my atheist and pagan parents were considering sending me to an all-girl's catholic school so I couldn't be bullied anymore. I asked for one semester to try it out at junior high, hoping that the influx of three other elementary schools would give me a better chance to fit in.
I also subconsciously started to assimilate more, I was still a tom boy- I was one of two girls who played football in seventh grade because a rule stipulates that no seventh grade student could be cut from the team for any reason. It never made the gender distinction. Somehow having another girl on the team made it okay and the same kids who bullied me for three years were okay with me, at least for two hours during practice. But other than that, I was no longer cutting my hair short, while I wore tomboyish clothes still, I let my mom pick out girlie clothes for me and I slowly allowed myself to wear these clothes. I also didn't try to make friends. The harder I tried, the worse I failed since I didn't seem to ever speak girl properly.
I got on some really good teams for sports and was a great athlete, until 8th grade when my ankle decided to defy physics during an extramural soccer practice. My ankle went up and over the ball and the top of my foot hit the ground while my leg was still straight. It wasn't pretty but it effectively killed my athletic career. It would take a few years before it took full effect but by the time I graduated I had two bad ankles, two bad knees, and couldn't do more than half-ass it in PE.
In high school I faced my first real bullying by girls, again I attribute this to the fact I didn't speak girl. I shopped at all the popular stores, but the clothes I picked were either boy colors or even from the boy's section. I could never fully get comfortable in girl clothes and only wore dresses to my older sister's wedding (which as soon as I finished being a bride's maid I threw on my high tops) and the only two dances I attended 9th grade and Senior prom. I probably had a couple other things like family things where I had to dress up, but I always remember having jeans or sweats to change into the first second I could get out of the dresses. I also had horrible taste in music (I'll admit that freely). My parents listened to country and oldies and while I knew every Beach Boys song by heart, I missed the days when Green Day was cool so I had no idea what was what with music. I just, I didn't have anything to say to any girl and I fell back on old habits of trying too hard.
By my senior year I had a very small group of friends, people I didn't even like that much but that tolerated my presence. I just stopped caring, I didn't try to make friends, I shut down and just was there. I ignored the whispers and the name calling, ignored the rumors of me staring at girls in the locker room. I made some friends then that I'm still friends with now. People that stood up for me when others called me dyke, who when I finally realized I was attracted to girls the year after graduation were still there for me, and who when I first mentioned that I thought I might want to transition asked if I had any names picked out. 95% of the people I went to high school with, I have completely lost touch with (assuming I had touch in the first place). I hear stories about so and so getting married, divorced, having a baby, coming out, getting arrested, whatever, and I don't really care.
I went to school in Seattle, I wanted to be an actress but I had the weirdest logic for it in my head. I wanted to learn how to be a director and learn to speak the language of the people behind the camera so I could be better in front of it. So I went to film school... at a community college. That lasted for a semester since everyone in my program got drunk and high all the time and because no matter what I did the head of the program gave me a C. I could write my name on paper or give him the best paper I ever wrote. It was his opinion that women belonged in the porn industry and that was the only place they had value.
I moved home, which felt like a death sentence. I hate Puyallup. It's filled with so many religious people, not just that... but bigoted religious people. Mormons, Lutherans, Baptists, idiots. The only gay kids in school were the flaming homo boys... well until after when all the repressed religious kids would come out. I got a lot of apologies when I moved back, and I was still technically oblivious of my sexual identity.
A year after high school I was in a writing group online, and that's where I met Shannon. I was 19 and she was 18 and just starting university at UBC in Vancouver. We hit it off and when I went up to check out UBC film school (which I would recommend to anyone in Canada who wanted to do film. It's a great program- not that I ever took it but I know people who have) we met and it was instant sparks. We were friends for a while and eventually we developed into a relationship. Both of our first real romance and we fell deeply in love.
We made some bad choices, mostly about stupid stuff. Like to save her money on bus fare to come visit I drove to Bellingham instead of Seattle to pick her up and I lied to my mom about it. It killed over a half tank of gas and I was later coming home then I said I was going to. Just stupid stuff, I was too worried about coming out to her that everything coming out of my mouth was pretty much a lie. It eventually blew up in my face and I got grounded for lying. It took her some time but she finally came around to me being a lesbian which was funny because she had a lot of lesbian friends in her circle. I thought my dad would be the hard sell, he is from the Mid-West and he's let slip some comments in the past about different people that were ignorant... but he was the one who was cool with it first. I get why my mom was worried about it, she comes from an EXTREMELY religious family who aren't the most educated. She knew that I would face troubles. She knew how sensitive I was and how hard the road would be.
I eventually moved to Canada to be with Shannon, using whatever kind of permit I could get to just be with her. In Canada it was easier to just be us. We never really hold hands or anything when we were in Puyallup but we were open and comfortable in her native land. We dated for years and a week before our fifth anniversary we decided to get married on our anniversary. Our parents and siblings came, along with all of our friends that could make it in short notice, and we got married on the beach in Vancouver at sunset.
During our relationship, we talked about transgender issues several times. I have huge breasts, I always have. My sister (12 years my senior) has never been larger than a C cup, even when pregnant, and I was a C in high school, and when I put on weight after school they eventually blossomed to the DDD or E size (depending on the bra) mammoths they are now. They continue to be the blight of my existence, but back then, they kept me from ever being able to follow through with anything. Shan and I tried twice to get me boy clothes.
The first time we shopped at a store that didn't quite have my size and I was self conscious so I just grabbed the first thing that kinda fit. We also went to Seattle and went to Babeland (a really amazing woman centric sex store). They had packing penises and Shan (who is a huge feminist and a student midwife) was asking questions I was way to embarrassed to ask. We got a harness (the cheapest they had) and went for a soft pack, but being the total boy I wanted I wanted the biggest one. It ended up being a bit of my undoing since it looked ridiculously large in my pants, would always flop over since it didn't fit in the harness, and at that time my hair was past my shoulder blades (though almost always tied up). I didn't bind, not having the slightest clue how to do it and too nervous to really google anything. It ended up being a bit of a failed experiment.
It came up a few more times during our relationship and I grew a little less nervous each time it came up. We went back to Babeland and bought a medium sized pack this time, a better harness, and then we spent time getting me good boy clothes that fit well and hid my body shape. At the time she was working at a baby store in Vancouver and she had a couple products in store for pregnant women or women who'd just given birth and we improvised a very (VERY) half assed binder. I was more comfortable in the clothes, with the penis, but the binder was torture. I'm a big person, with lots of curves, and the binder would ride up like nobody's business. I could wear it for a bit but then it'd roll into my ribs and become too painful to deal with. I couldn't bind since we'd spent our money on clothes we couldn't afford a decent binder so I just went without.
I also did something else extremely liberating, I cut of 13 inches of hair. After elementary school I only trimmed my hair, but never CUT it short. Maybe bangs or layering or something, but it stayed longer. But I finally just thought 'to hell with it' and cut it short. It was incredible... well aside from the fact that the place where I got it cut had different ideas about what my hair should look like than I did. The first cut was great, the second I looked like a butch gym teacher with a boxy hair cut, the repair cut on that was great, but then the next one I had a very pixie-femme thing going on. I had one hair dresser at the place, the one who did the first cut and all the repairs, she was amazing- everyone else thought masculine or boy cut meant I want to look as dykey as possible. I usually got it fixed and it progressively grew shorter and shorter. We also went to the Trans-Health BC office in Vancouver to start scouting my options for the transition but that got put on hold.
Shannon, who like I said, has a passion for women and babies. She had worked in a baby store and was a doula (birth coach/partner) and post-partum doula (helping new parents transition to having babies) but her passion was midwifery. As a midwife she could be a better advocate for the pregnant woman and that is what she wanted but UBC, her former school and only midwifery option in Western Canada, had and still has an exceptionally small and competitive program. I know that if she'd ever gotten an interview, her passion would've gotten her in but alas over a hundred women would compete each year for 10 spots. We looked at Seattle Midwifery School, which would bring us down to the states where our marriage wouldn't be legally recognized but we could live in Seattle which was gay-friendly enough for us. But unfortunately SMS merged with Bastyr College (a holistic medicine school) and the Midwifery program which had once been easy to get into became a master's program and Shan would have to be in school for a few more years to just get the pre-requesits to attend. So an option which we had begun before but abandoned became our new option. New Zealand.
Canada and New Zealand have similar midwifery practices, like the roles of midwives except that in Canada it's more the 'hippy' or 'new age' parents that have midwives while most births in New Zealand are done by midwives. The biggest perk was that in a country of 4.3 million, there were 5 midwifery schools while Canada with it's 33.1 million had less than 3 schools. Of all the countries in the world, New Zealand is one of the easiest to transfer back to Canada as a midwife. So we decided to move here in January for her to go to school. I decided to fill my time by pursuing a patisserie degree (pastry chef) since I've long since given up on film (but that's another blog entry for another time).
After being here for nearly seven months now, I finally started addressing the issue that my newly developed social anxiety was coming from the fact that when I look in the mirror I don't feel connected to the person I am below the shoulders. So I decided that I was really going to do it, I was really going to follow the path that had always been there for me I just hadn't know exactly how to start down the path.
In Canada you have to live as a male for a year to prove your seriousness, which I had been doing- except at work because I worked as a production assistant in film and was on a new project almost every time I worked and it would've been more burden than it was worth. In Auckland, I walked a fine line. I didn't bring any effeminate clothing but I was in a program where I was the oldest by a good 5 years (with the exception of a woman who had 10 years on me). There was a very immature vibe in the program and I was too nervous to really address it. So I kept it up at home, even if I wasn't packing all the time, I used Jake- Jacob, which was the name my wife and I finally settled on after a LONG stretch of time where we tried to decide.
But I finally built the courage to talk to the university doctor about why I don't think the anxiety medication I was on wasn't working with my social anxiety. I had short hair, boy clothes on, but never came close to passing as a male (which somehow I had done in Vancouver sometimes). We talked gender and body dysphoria and about how tomboy was never the right word for me, about how I never really feel GAY (like I still inwardly flinch when I call myself a lesbian but I proudly proclaim I've got a wife- and if you had my wife you would too). And he referred me to an endocrinologist to begin my journey.
I'm at a small empass there since Shan and I are on a fairly limited budget in New Zealand based off of student loans and VERY generous parents, but the appointment may or may not be covered by the student health insurance I'm on (most likely not) so I'll have to fork out between 100-300 bucks for the appointment which isn't something we can do in the near future. So instead we decided to go to underworks.com and get me a real binder. I've been snooping different Transmen blogs and underworks kept coming up over and over, and plus sized ones raved about particular models so we went with one, the 997, since I've got a long torso and need the extra length it offers so it doesn't hit my hips and roll up uncomfortably.
I haven't told my parents now but I kinda have a feeling this may be easier for them to swallow than me coming out. I was always a little boy trapped in a little girl's body. But since I have some other stuff going on right now I'm not going to broach this with them yet. Instead I'm putting it out on the internet.
It feels very cathartic to just vent like this, to just let my fingers confess stuff that very few people know about me. So this is my goal, to write my journey as I take it. I'll include pictures, possibly audio when I start T and what not. I'm not guaranteeing I'm taking the best way to get to my destination, but it's the journey that counts right?
So for now, this it is... an hour and some later. Ha. I'm sorry if my grammar's hell, it is 3am now.
Oh PS, if you're going to write hateful stuff I'll just delete you but if you have questions, comments, concerns, whatever I'll try to get back to you as best as I can.
Night all,
Jake
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