Random Stuff

Oooh, look at me. Two days in the same week. There's a medal for that right?

Anyway. Not much is new. I talked Shan into getting another couple binders because I was wearing the first one every day. It also didn't have a great collar. It tends to bunch in front of my chest, right under my chin and it has a really annoying neckline. I HAVE to wear a crew cut shirt at all times which I find really obnoxious. So I got a t-shirt and a tank. They don't have the double compression but I double up on them and have a better neckline and more realistic looking shirt. I'm pretty stoked about that. I love my layers, but not when I can only do crew neck without looking like a tool.

I've been busy joining facebook and yahoo groups for queer and Trans. I'm really feeling like something beyond myself. I reached out to my cousin (who came out after I did- possibly because I did). He's adorable, 18 or 19 or something but from a VERY small town and a very religious family. I know he's having issues with his sexuality. I don't blame him really. I get what it's like to come out in a religious community. I personally am not religious nor have ever been a member of any church but I grew up with a lot of religious friends and so it's kinda similar. I more feel like he needs the help. So I offered to help him find some queer groups back home that he could join. He's much more social than I am so I really think he'll appreciate it 10 times more than I do. What's hilarious is he has a "lesbian" friend who I saw one picture of and was like "TOTALLY FTM!!!!" I laughed and asked him about her. She's apparently a lesbian. I give her a few years before she realizes that there's a difference but she TOTALLY had a guy's fashion sense.

Anyway. I decided to add a picture of me in my glasses. I have a story about that!

Okay so Shan and I have a Japanese car in NZ, it has stations 80-90 which gives us exactly 3 options to use our iTrip when we want to listen to our iPhones. We don't have a tape deck or auxiliary cable input or anything so it's iTrip or radio. The three options don't work in the city at all and phase in and out everywhere else. So we took the iTrip back and got a car stereo with an axuilary input. We then found out that our car does not physically have the ability to have a stereo put in. So I was at Warehouse (which is kinda like Target, Zellers, or Walmart depending on what country you're in) returning the stereo and I had to go to the security guard there. I had my new glasses on and he kept calling me sir. I was on cloud nine. I didn't say much to him, which is usually when people call me on being a girl but I can tone my voice lower in short bursts (thank you years of choir and a keen sense of faking accents and voices) and sound more masculine so I just grunted out one word answers and he never corrected himself. He said it THREE TIMES!
"Hello Sir."
"Hey" "Have a return?"
"Yup."
"There you go sir."
"Thanks."
"Just go over to the counter there and they'll help you. Have a good day sir."

I nearly danced a jig to the counter to get my money back.

Anyway long story short about the stereo, we found someone to do the auxiliary input and some other stereo tweaks for us for less than the iTrip. AND here's the pic.



Normally I spike my hair up into a bit of a fauxhawk but I felt a little lazy today so just brushed it to the side. I kinda like it like that and Shan does too. She doesn't like my hair down or in a "Ceasar" cut or as she calls it, the "ER George Clooney Douchecut" but she liked it like this.

Also I was snooping youtube. I don't think I have the courage to have a video blog yet *shivers at the thought* but there's a LOT of good FTM stuff. Like harnesses.


I have 2 soft packs from Babeland. Both are the Soft Pack (one medium and one large... the large I found to be ridiculously large.) I have the Cock Sock and the Mr Right Packing Strap. The Mr. Right I had when I had the large pack and the large one hung weirdly- almost folding over at the top since it wasn't anchored in at all. The Cock Sock doesn't work on the large one, only on the medium and only if I'm going commando or in boxers. This all leads me to Youtube. I'm going to try a do-it-yourself harness for a better fit. There's several videos of the double loop harness and I'm going to try that.

Yeah I don't mean to sound like I'm promoting Babeland at all. It's just THE shop I used when living in Washington and in Vancouver. It was the first sex store I bought anything from and they're very cool and laid back there. I'm SUPER uncomfortable in stores like that. Even if they're awesome. If I was left to my own devices I'd be in and out in 30 seconds. I can spend 2 hours buying groceries and clothes and taking my time but sex shop? Hell dude, in and out in a hurry. In Vancouver we shopped at Womyn's Ware and they were awesome too though not much/any packs or stuff there. I haven't found a place here in Auckland yet if I want a new packer or harness or anything so I'm stuck with what I have so I'm going to make the best of it.

Anyway that's it for tonight.

Until next time.

When do we start?

Has it nearly been a month since I started this thing? Wow I suck. At the time it seemed like not too much has happened but looking back I see I've actually done a lot.

So I got my binder, it only took three days to come from Miami. I LOVE THAT THING! It's a little long, long enough that it slides down over my hips and I'm 5'10 with a long torso. Though the downside is I'm losing weight and I was right on the bubble between sizes so I went with the larger size. It's a little large and doesn't compress as much as I would like it to but realistically I'm not sure if it will. I have large breasts so I can't do miracles but it helps immensely. The more I layer the better it works too. Summer's coming though so I don't know how I'll handle layers in the hot New Zealand summers with 100% humidity.

I also started searching more online, finding more blogs and just snooping around. I know that I want to get my chest done, 100% without a doubt. I'm starting to snoop surgeons, but I know that's a bit away yet. If I want MSP (BC Health Insurance, since I'm a permanent resident of Canada) to cover it (which I would since it'd pretty much be free) then I have a bunch of hoops to jump through, psychological and social as well. It's a bit intimidating because I'm such an instant gratification person- I want it and I want it now. HA! Patience is not one of my virtues. I've started looking at different top surgeons, Michael L. Brown comes up a lot. He's in San Francisco but I really like his work. There's also Dr. Charles Garramone who's in Florida. While I don't like how a lot of his nipple graft work turned out, I must admit I really am tempted to do the "Manscaping" which is lipo to reshape curves into a more masculine form. I'd be down for that.

Anyway, getting ahead of myself.

So I found this group called Gender Bridge online. It's for Trans in Auckland, or all of NZ if they can get to the monthly groups. While I'm usually SO not the 'group' type, Shan and I decided to go. BEST DECISION EVER!

Every single person there was more than willing to help in any and all ways possible. I got tons of cards and suggestions and it's amazing. It's this wealth of information that they're all BURSTING to share. I haven't really used my name (Jacob- duh) in public much. Shan calls me it and that's about it, but I went by it there and it was really liberating. I did kinda auto-correct myself and say my name was Ashley at one point but I caught it and fixed it... Only once though which isn't bad for 27 years of being called Ashley. It was really an incredible and intense experience. I left the meeting completely pumped and thrilled and since then I've been doing more research then I think I've ever done. I'm already counting down the days to the next meeting and have added several members to Facebook (link here) as well. I feel like I've really found a place for myself and that's amazing.

So right now I'm looking to find myself an endo that won't cost me an arm and a leg. The one my AUT doctor referred me to is either 250 or 350 for the first appointment which is way too much. I'm still holding onto my appointment and trying to get MSP to cover it but if they won't I'll cancel it. I've got a couple suggestions from the GenderBridge group and I'm going to make calls on Monday and see what to do. Hormones are the first step for me. My dream (hopefully coming to fruition) is to have top surgery done by next summer (so like Northern Hemisphere Summer for me) so that I can go shirtless. My fantasy (of course) is to have it scheduled and done before this Summer but considering it's Spring already, I know it's wishful thinking. I just want this to begin, you know?

Part of Shan's process is to find support for her because this is a change for the both of us. I've initially gotten in touch with a therapist but again, finances are a bit of a kicker on that. It's not ridiculously expensive but it's still enough to cause a slight pause. I'll check in with both my insurance companies and see if they'll cover it and hope that one of them does. I know worst worst worst case scenario, I can ask my parents to help pay for it but that's it's own can of worms.

I'm still terrified of telling my parents. I know they'll eventually get around to it but my mom had this huge 'mourning' period when I came out and I anticipate a second one, but I really don't want to be deceptive. I don't want to spring it on her after I've had top surgery and a year of testosterone. It'll come up, sooner rather than later. I don't know how they'll take it and Shan's scared they'll cut off the money that they're sending to us already which would put us in a world of hurt and I don't want to do that. Her education is vastly important to me and I don't want to deprive her of anything.