Has it nearly been a month since I started this thing? Wow I suck. At the time it seemed like not too much has happened but looking back I see I've actually done a lot.
So I got my binder, it only took three days to come from Miami. I LOVE THAT THING! It's a little long, long enough that it slides down over my hips and I'm 5'10 with a long torso. Though the downside is I'm losing weight and I was right on the bubble between sizes so I went with the larger size. It's a little large and doesn't compress as much as I would like it to but realistically I'm not sure if it will. I have large breasts so I can't do miracles but it helps immensely. The more I layer the better it works too. Summer's coming though so I don't know how I'll handle layers in the hot New Zealand summers with 100% humidity.
I also started searching more online, finding more blogs and just snooping around. I know that I want to get my chest done, 100% without a doubt. I'm starting to snoop surgeons, but I know that's a bit away yet. If I want MSP (BC Health Insurance, since I'm a permanent resident of Canada) to cover it (which I would since it'd pretty much be free) then I have a bunch of hoops to jump through, psychological and social as well. It's a bit intimidating because I'm such an instant gratification person- I want it and I want it now. HA! Patience is not one of my virtues. I've started looking at different top surgeons, Michael L. Brown comes up a lot. He's in San Francisco but I really like his work. There's also Dr. Charles Garramone who's in Florida. While I don't like how a lot of his nipple graft work turned out, I must admit I really am tempted to do the "Manscaping" which is lipo to reshape curves into a more masculine form. I'd be down for that.
Anyway, getting ahead of myself.
So I found this group called Gender Bridge online. It's for Trans in Auckland, or all of NZ if they can get to the monthly groups. While I'm usually SO not the 'group' type, Shan and I decided to go. BEST DECISION EVER!
Every single person there was more than willing to help in any and all ways possible. I got tons of cards and suggestions and it's amazing. It's this wealth of information that they're all BURSTING to share. I haven't really used my name (Jacob- duh) in public much. Shan calls me it and that's about it, but I went by it there and it was really liberating. I did kinda auto-correct myself and say my name was Ashley at one point but I caught it and fixed it... Only once though which isn't bad for 27 years of being called Ashley. It was really an incredible and intense experience. I left the meeting completely pumped and thrilled and since then I've been doing more research then I think I've ever done. I'm already counting down the days to the next meeting and have added several members to Facebook (link here) as well. I feel like I've really found a place for myself and that's amazing.
So right now I'm looking to find myself an endo that won't cost me an arm and a leg. The one my AUT doctor referred me to is either 250 or 350 for the first appointment which is way too much. I'm still holding onto my appointment and trying to get MSP to cover it but if they won't I'll cancel it. I've got a couple suggestions from the GenderBridge group and I'm going to make calls on Monday and see what to do. Hormones are the first step for me. My dream (hopefully coming to fruition) is to have top surgery done by next summer (so like Northern Hemisphere Summer for me) so that I can go shirtless. My fantasy (of course) is to have it scheduled and done before this Summer but considering it's Spring already, I know it's wishful thinking. I just want this to begin, you know?
Part of Shan's process is to find support for her because this is a change for the both of us. I've initially gotten in touch with a therapist but again, finances are a bit of a kicker on that. It's not ridiculously expensive but it's still enough to cause a slight pause. I'll check in with both my insurance companies and see if they'll cover it and hope that one of them does. I know worst worst worst case scenario, I can ask my parents to help pay for it but that's it's own can of worms.
I'm still terrified of telling my parents. I know they'll eventually get around to it but my mom had this huge 'mourning' period when I came out and I anticipate a second one, but I really don't want to be deceptive. I don't want to spring it on her after I've had top surgery and a year of testosterone. It'll come up, sooner rather than later. I don't know how they'll take it and Shan's scared they'll cut off the money that they're sending to us already which would put us in a world of hurt and I don't want to do that. Her education is vastly important to me and I don't want to deprive her of anything.
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