May... May is good

So, hopefully this renewed vigor I'm feeling will help me work on my blog more. I've had some AMAZING changes and I am so happy in my life right now.

1. I came out to my parents. Holy hell that was terrifying. I've been meaning to for months, but something always got in my way. Christmas, my mom having surgery, drama in my life that my mom was part of that involved Transpeople and was giving my mom negative feelings about transpeople, my birthday, easter, mother's day... I bet I could've found something every month to bullshit about and stall and not actually do it. If I hadn't been on T, I could've gone forever without saying anything... but I am on T and my voice is seriously dropping. If I stalled too much more, my voice would fully break and it'd kick my ass. I'd written a letter in December and I ended up sending that to my parents.

The letter I found to be extremely important. I think that it really is huge to part of the success (did I not mention that it went freaking amazing with my parents? More on that later) of the discussion with my parents. I wrote it about them. Not about me. I told them what I was going through, how long I've been feeling this way, how I needed their love through this even if they didn't understand and agree. I also talked about how it wasn't a reflection of their parenting, reassured every possible issue I thought they would have. I let them know that I wanted to support them and that I would help however they needed. I needed to do this for me, but I wanted to ease their journey with this too. I've been thinking about this for years, I've had many conversations with Shan about this, with my friends, with my transcommunity friends... I've been living as Jake full time for months and living part-time as a guy though using my birth name for years. It would not have been fair to say, "Adapt now or lose me forever!" I really felt certain that no matter what, they needed time.

I also decided that my mother would have the harder time of the two and decided to send it to her first. The last thing I wanted with that was my dad to get it when he got up for work at 5 and wake my mom up to tell her and have it blindside her. I sent it to her and put her in charge of telling my dad or letting me know that she wouldn't and that I would have to... which I was fine with as well.

So at the very bottom of the letter, I let them know I wouldn't talk to them until our established Skype date. She could email me, but if she called I wouldn't answer. I wanted her to take the time to process before just reacting and freaking out and letting it grow into a fight. I sent this to her at 1am my time, 6am her time with our date being noon the next day for me and 5pm for her. It'd give her the day to process and think and what not.

By 8am her time, I had an email back from her but I managed to sleep through the night. I was woken up by a package being delivered and I didn't want to check my email, but I did. The response was amazing. In fact, she'd been wondering when I would make this decision. She assured me she wasn't angry, mad, sad, confused, upset, etc about my decision and actions. She agreed to the skype date and all was set.

My mom is a bit of a wise ass. It's where I get it. Every time we normally skype, it hits 25 minutes and she's complaining (jokingly) about talking her ear off or whatever. An hour call is record breaking. We talked for 2 hours!!!!!! I kept it frank, honest, let the humor flow naturally, answered questions she had to the best of my ability.

I think I was really lucky that I'd been leaving "bread crumbs", as my mom called it, for so long that my mom had been wondering when I would tell her. She'd talked with my dad and they just wanted me to be happy, and to make sure I didn't forget to take care of my wife during this time.

We also talked names. I told her about Jacob, but left it open that if she or my dad had anything they would want to use that they could offer that into the mix of potentials. My mom's only complaint was that it was a J-Name. All the males on her side of the family have that in common and she VOWED to never ever ever name a son that way- to break the cycle. I had totally not thought about that when I picked the name, but she caught it right away and humorsly complained. She's since questioned if it was Jacob or Jakob, which reminded me how much she ADORED Jakob Dylon and how he spelled Jakob.. so I'm considering switching to K instead of C.

Anyway, by the end of the call she was calling me her son and Jake. She was still a little uncertain, joking a bit about being her son/daughter hybrid right now in her head. She's really trying which is what counts.

It was this HUGE weight off of my shoulders... Shan's too. Shan was actually more anxious than I was, but then it was just like light switch or validation that she needed. It was the same way with the psychiatrist. She needed someone other than me to say, "Yes, I think this is a case of Gender Dysphoria and this is the right path." With my mom she needed to hear, "We've known for years and looking back I see all these signs that were there but I didn't know the words for." Shan's completely switched in her head, she was hesitant about me getting a hysterectomy or getting my breasts off and now I can't get them done fast enough. She's really realized that this isn't a phase, that we have my parents blessing, and that there's really a history to this... that it's not my slant on my history. It's been hilarious how fast it's switched for her.

But yeah, it was a great reaction and I was really blessed to get it.

2. I got a new GP who is AMAZING. I had to stop using AUT since I'm no longer a student, so I literally just picked the nearest doctor to my house. He ended up being the coolest guy EVER. He trained under my Endo and being completely trans friendly. He never once called me her, she, or implied I was female. He even said I was a good man. He got me a referral I needed, more T (since I was running out), and was great. It could've really been a disaster but it worked out well.

3. I'm up to my maintaining level for T and having less ups and downs. I had a little bit of a rage burst on Saturday (after my shot on Friday), but it passed fairly quick. But there's been a lot of noticeable stuff, like my hips are fading, my back has broken out, my chin has broken out a bit, my voice is right on the verge of breaking... it's been pretty awesome and Shan's really noticed. Like my hips just floored her. She had a little bit of a sad moment cause there are no naked pictures of me pre-T which I'm fine with that, but she's not. She has a bit of a bad memory so she's afraid of forgetting that completely so we've made a promise to start taking pictures for ourselves to document the journey more. They'll be private for now, but maybe if there's a dramatic change I'll do a before and after.

4. I've got guy friends. This is new for me. I'm normally friends with the guys who are dating or married to Shan's friends, or friends with a couple but now I've actually got guys (transguys and not yet cisguys) that I hang out with. It's really cool for me since I'm such a loner and don't have a ton of friends either way. It's amazing to have a community. It really is.

5. Work has been great. A lot of my radio silence over the last few months was because my life was consumed with some bullying I was experiencing at work. The people involved (yes sadly it wasn't just one person) are gone and yes there's some ripple effects going on from things they're still doing but I feel much more supported and safe and happy. It's great... well it's getting great. I still have some anxiety stuff going on but that's mostly the fallout of what happened versus current stuff.

6. I'm getting back into acting. One of the amazing women who I've met through Genderbridge (She's the bio-woman partner of a transguy) named Julie is involved with a playback group and she's helping me get into that. I've always loved acting and I think it'll really help me ground myself and find my emotional balance and what not within my new body. It is terrifying because I haven't done improv in about 8 years, but it brought me a lot of joy in the past so maybe pursuing dramatic creativity will limit the other drama in my life.

7. I got a STP packer. It's a medicine spoon one and a bit difficult but I'm getting the hang of it and I kinda love standing up to pee. It makes me feel like such a boy.

Well I'm sure there's more. In the next bit I'm going to start looking seriously into name change stuff- but I've got to figure out the middle name thing first.

OH but amazingly, I can get my gender on my passport changed without surgery! It's huge. I will have official documentation in place of a birth certificate that validates my gender and I don't have to have a full hysto done (since I want to hold on to my ovaries for a bit). It's more awesome though because it's up to you and your doctor if you've gone far enough instead of a universal standard that doesn't work for everyone. I'm stoked. I'll be able to change everything but my gender on my birth certificate under this. So awesome.


Anyway, that's the update. Stats will come later.