Manniversary and HUGE update

Okay kids. It's been SEVERAL months since my last confession… I mean blog. (Excuse my bad humor as it may come, I haven't been sleeping particularly well and infect did not sleep the night before).

I've had an exceptionally tumultuous time, been through a lot physically and emotionally. I've found out who some of my true friends are and that some people just suck and that you have to learn the difference and let the ones who suck go.

SO okay, lets start from the beginning, shall we?



Pre-Admission, True Friends, and the World Cup-

First, I got my surgical pre-admission. I was called at 9:30 in the morning, informing me I was late for the appointment which was at 9:00. They were pissed I wasn't there but gave me an hour to get there or they'd scratch my day. They also told me it would take 3 to 4 hours and that I had to get there as quick as possible. When I got there, it took only an hour and a half and I was told I would have a date between a week to a month after that.

That was a Thursday, and not wanting to wait for ages, I called on the next Tuesday (to this day wishing I'd done the freaking Monday instead) and right then and there they booked me for the next Tuesday. One week notice. I was freaking JAZZED. That Saturday, Shan threw a very impromptu party for me. I had a Superman cake, an effigy to burn a bra as a metaphor for my breasts, and this awesome book that my friends signed wishing me good luck with the surgery or what not. It was really amazing and I'd spent the whole week now obsessed with my breasts… more than I'd been in years. I was constantly aware of the pain they caused and the discomfort and I had never wanted them gone more.

But I also noticed during the week that the Rugby World Cup was going to begin that Sunday. I was supposed to call on Monday to confirm my slot and get a time, but I called on Friday and the nurse had no idea what to make of the schedule and told me to call on Monday. I called and as it turned out, the hospital was overloaded with idiots who'd gotten hurt during the world cup opening ceremony and all surgeries were cancelled until further notice.

For six weeks, SIX FUCKING WEEKS, I agonized over it. It took two weeks before they finally told me that the only day the surgeon operated was on Tuesday and so if I wouldn't have to call as often. This first two weeks. I was incredibly depressed. I felt like I'd never wanted anything more and then it was gone. I was on a time crunch. I had until November 1st before I would have to draw the line myself because I just wouldn't have time to heal up enough to travel home and be sociable. Every day inched closer to that, and every day I was hearing nothing.

I finally got the relief of knowing it was only one day a week, so I'd just obsess about it on Monday (hoping to get a call to say 'come tomorrow') and on Tuesday (knowing it was another day passing that I wasn't having my surgery). Time inched by. What made matters worse, is that after I got my pre-admission I'd posted my excitement, and then again when I got my date and I was met with a surprising amount of hostility. A lot of 'why are you using our system, you're not from here', 'you're taking a surgical spot away from a deserving Kiwi', and a lot of other jealousy and resentment. Once I lost my date, I was still left with all that negativity around me and I felt like shit. A few people really stood up and stood out as friends, while others proved they weren't worth my time. Shan and I also learned that you didn't have to know someone for very long to have a profound friendship. She had someone volunteer to sit with her at the hospital and at that point we weren't particularly close friends (she ended up not being able to but we've since become great friends).

During that time, I felt so down that I isolated myself. I saw a few people but it was mostly at Shan's insistence. I felt like an idiot because I'd been so excited for the surgery that didn't end up happening. It was a really hard time for me.

Towards the end of the world cup, I called again and FINALLY got a date. The Tuesday following the closing ceremony. To say I was skeptical would be a fucking understatement. I was TERRIFIED it wasn't going to happen. I was scared there'd be a full out riot and it'd shut down the hospital for weeks… because at this point it was the 25th of October. If we went one more week, that was my cut off. Two more and I would have to wait until the New Year, which would've brought me down for the rest of the year. So I watched the Final with bated breath, praying to God, The Goddess, Allah, Buddah and everything else that I could of to make sure the All Blacks won. It was the most stressful game to watch because in the end, they inched by to win. I spent that night checking to see if there'd been celebratory riots starting in town, and did a few more times. I called on Monday to confirm and I was in. It didn't feel real. It was so shocking really. Surprising. I was certain I'd wake up and it'd be a dream. But no. I got packed and the next morning we went to the hospital and I got checked in. I'd barely slept the night before and when I got into the operating theater and laid on the gurney, I fell asleep.


Surgery-

The one thing they didn't fully prepare me for wasn't the pain (which there was a lot of) but numbness. Not in my chest but in my thumb, index, and middle fingers on both hands. Both hands got quite swollen, not even done swelling yet, but the fingers were completely asleep. It wasn't until late the second night that someone finally addressed that as more than just "interesting". The nerves for your hands run near your armpits, there is a small chance they can nick the nerves and you can lose sensation in your hands. The nerves for the first three and the last three are bundled together (middle finger's so awesome it gets to be on both sides of the nerves). They put you in almost like a crucifixion position, for about 2 hours (my length of surgery) and that puts strain on all of those nerves. It took until Thursday night before I had my feeling fully back. The doctor realized it was strain and not permanent damage because it was on both sides and fairly uniform. But that was never a potential downside of surgery that I was informed of.

The first day I was sore, I came out and spent about two and a half hours in recovery because my breathing was shallow and the pain was constant. I went to my room and was tired, but extremely lucid. My wife was there, as was her support person, and a friend who goes to school near the hospital so they were talking and I'd interject here and there but then fall right back to sleep. I was surprisingly coherent compared to when I got my wisdom teeth out and would make jokes that didn't make sense at all.

I slept, a lot, but not very well. Pain would wake me up every couple hours and the night nurses at Auckland Hospital are INFINITELY better about getting meeds when you need them than the day nurses. Day nurses will get sidetracked or forget and I went 4 hours without pain medicine one day (not fun).

My first night was rough, my Oxygen levels were low and my blood pressure was high so I was on air all night which gives you a monster of a sore throat that no amount of water can help with. They're mostly just trying to keep you comfortable and sleeping, but my best sleeps were always in short bursts because after a while I'd need pain relief. I also firmly suggest bringing earplugs if you're not in a single room. I shared with three other patients and two of them snored. Not just that but it's easy to fall asleep it's just hard to stay asleep. Nurses come in and out, you can hear beeps of alarms for other people… it's just necessity and if you don't use them, then that's fine.

I slept about 3 hours of actual good sleep that first night, the rest of it was kinda this very dazed/drugged semi-sleep. The doctors then showed up at about 8-9 and asked how I was. My response was always, 'I'm alright'. I'm pretty good with managing pain, but for them, this translated to a desire to discharge me. The nurse came in a bit later to start discharging me and I refused. I hadn't slept, the pain medicine they used had been too strong, and I'd been on oxygen all night. Not to mention half my hand was numb and somewhere around 11am I started swelling (which is normal and acceptable the nurses don't really know that though). It took a little bit of convincing but they let me stay.

The second day I pretty much slept, ate, showered, and visited with friends when they came by. For showering, because of how my bandages are, I am allowed to, only from the back and with a towel pressed to my chest to cover the bandages. Something I would suggest bringing that I hadn't thought of was a shoe lace to drape over my neck and hang my drains from while I showered and safety pins to attach them to your pants because I got very tired of carrying them. But then again, I had massive breasts with a lot of blood and fluid that went to them and so I've had a lot of drainage. At that point, I thought I would have mine in at least until November 3rd when I get bandages off, but the doctor thought possibly even longer. You have to do less than 30ml in 24 hours before they'll let the drain come out.

Pain was pretty hard to control the second day (I have an issue with codeine so that left me with morphine and the morphine pills were quite strong). Since it's a public hospital, I would go a while between when I rang the nurse for pain meds and when I would get them. The doctors didn't always come see me, so nurses would be explaining things to them and they wouldn't always do it right. One pill they tried since they wanted me off of liquid morphine knocked me into space. Within ten minutes of taking it, I was dizzy, couldn't open my eyes without feeling like I was falling. I got some anti-nausea medicine but the nurse didn't talk to the doctor about it, nor did the nurse who she handed off to who KNEW I didn't react well to it. So when it came time to get my drugs again, they brought me the same thing and I refused it because it'd been such hell the first time. She then had to track down a doctor, during shift change, and it took a couple hours before they got me anything else, and by the time they came back with liquid morphine, my pain was the highest it'd been period.

It eventually subsided and I stayed for a few days to fully recover. Here's a couple pics of me right after.

I had 2.3kg (or about 5 pounds) PER BREAST taken off.


Intermission-

So I went home and had to set up a pillow between Shan and I so she didn't roll onto me which was a godsend really. It also kept my drains from getting tangled. Oh my freaking drains. I got my bandages off on the third but was nowhere near the drain amounts they wanted so they had to stay in. I had to go to the nurse every couple days to get the bandages checked and I'd give them my draining info. Every Thursday I would see the Breast Clinic and Dr. Jones' team and that was really good.

On a Saturday, I had an appointment and the nurse I saw decided to "help" a couple of my scabs and picked them. The one on my left drain site hurt like a monster when she took it offend I should've known something went wrong. On Tuesday I got my drains out, they were finally low enough and they were just driving me crazy. It'd been three weeks at that point since the surgery. I felt done. The right side came easy but the left had a lot of resistance before it literally popped out of my chest. The nurse thought the drain site looked angry and was going to put something on it, but forgot and bandaged me up to send me home.

That night it started to swell and by Wednesday it was red and angry and had cellulitis which looks like horrible stretchmarks. I was nervous but I was seeing the doctor the next day so I didn't want to go to A and E if it wasn't worth it. At the appointment, they were not excited about the mark at all. It was pretty large, angry, red, and INFECTED. They readmitted me to the hospital, then and there, but let me go home to get lunch and pack before I had to be back. They wanted me for 24-48 hours (tops) just to attack it with some antibiotics and get it over with. God I wish it'd been that easy.


Hosptial, take 2 -

So I checked in and the first nurse took 3 tries to ATTEMPT to get an IV in me. He gave up and the next nurse did it in one shot but in the crook of my left arm which wasn't a great place to do it. The antibiotic they used is exceptionally painful, it causes damage to the blood vessels and it's just shit really. You're supposed to do it over an hour, but the pace it was at was like someone was dripping acid on me to sever my arm. It was awful! I believe whole heartedly that the nurse messed up the dose. I think he at least doubled it, if not more. At the only rate we could do it at without me writing in pain, it took 4 hours to do what should've been done in an hour. The next nurse put me on a pain pump at the same dose and it hurt at the same level as the 4 hour drip… maybe a little more, but not as severely as the first time (hence why me thinking he effed up the dose). The next nurse doubled the saline and ran it through at the same speed as before. And that was fine…. except that it made me so nauseous that I couldn't eat. I barely touched anything on two meals and felt like throwing up both from being super hungry and also from the sight, smell, and thought of food making me sick. I let them know, hoping for something to help with the nausea but instead they changed my antibiotic. *le sigh*. The next stuff was weak. VERY weak. No progress in my infection was made and the 24 hours came and went, as did the 48 hours.

I finally was sent to get an ultrasound, to see if there was a collection of fluid or something that was stopping it from healing properly. He used a 30cc syringe to draw it out and it popped like a balloon when he entered the needle. Fluid gushed out and he was able to fill the syringe as well. It should've been the end of it, but the hole had to be filled and it was… by a hematoma. I went back to get a second ultrasound two days later, the same size and shape but this time filled with clotted blood that they couldn't draw out.

A week finally rolled around and I couldn't do it anymore. Over the last four weeks, almost half had been in hospital and while I'd had a ton of visitors the first stay in hospital, not many came the second time. It was fine, but I felt exceptionally isolated. I was allowed out between antibiotic doses but it never felt long enough and felt really down and depressing. I also had been having issues with my IV. We'd switched it from my left arm to my right hand because I felt like it was shredding my vein because I needed to move my arm and use my arms to support my weight cause I couldn't use my chest but they'd put it in facing my fingers and not my wrist so the line caught on everything and was causing bruising down my hand that they didn't see. It got to be so painful that I'd wince or cry out during the IV flushes. They tried again to change the sites. Two tries by the nurse. Four by a doctor. Both said I should drink more water until I told them I was drinking three liters… so they decided to take it out… let me rest and try in the morning again. I got oral antibiotics instead of IV and the next day I finally asked my doctor (after days of hearing "let's see how it is tomorrow") if I could go home. I was taking oral antibiotics already and if I didn't have to get another IV that'd be great by me. He all but kicked me out there. It was a Thursday and I'd have to see the clinic on Monday.

Monday they decided to cut it open, force the hematoma out, and wick the infection out (stick a cloth in it to drain the fluid). I had to go to the nurse every day for two weeks to get this done, and eventually down to every other day. December 6, I got to move to once a week and on the 13 they told me I was done. Infection finally gone, hematoma gone, and finally able to start recovering. It's not perfect but I'm going to go in for a revision in March/April to touch it up.

Here's how it looks now.




So okay, other things. I missed one shot by two weeks and that sucked ass. I was supposed to do it the first Monday after my surgery but I wasn't in the mood and the day ran away from us and then it just slipped out mind. It wasn't something we remembered when we could actually do the shot, but it eventually got to this place where a tiny confrontation just escalated. It was quite literally a non-issue, but I was just hysterically sad and then I was like "I need to take the shot now". Shan had forgotten I hadn't taken it, so she was like "it's next week, you'll be fine." Once I reminded her, we had the shot drawn up and taken very shortly after. We're traveling home for the holidays which will be the first time I'll see my parents since I started transitioning… yes there's Skype but seeing me I think will be different…. but it's for 24 days. I had originally planned to not take the shot and just let it lapse. But then Shan has class the next day when we get back, and then we won't do it till the next Monday and I don't think I can really afford to do that and forget. But we shall see. I see my GP on Monday so we'll see what he thinks.


Alright, on to Stats:


Weight: I was down to 257 at the hospital but I came back up to about 260 since coming home.
Libido: Shan and I went over a month after I'd gotten my surgery. It was brutal. We haven't gotten into the full swing of things still cause I do have discomfort sometimes on my sides, but I have to get off at least once a day, if not more.
Skin: My face is rougher, which feels more like skin than hair issue. I've got some acne issues still but I'm pretty on top of it right now. I still zit up towards the beginning and end of my shot cycle. My back still is a bit problematic but not as bad.
Hair: It is thinning but coloring helps it. I'm going to try stuff but hopefully I don't go bald.
Body Hair: Not a really good representation this time because I shaved everything off before the surgery. It's mostly grown back but not as thick as it was before
Dosage: 250mg
Amount of time on T: 1 year!
Build: Post surgery I'm not in any shape. Next time, I'll say more.
Menstration: The last time I'm going to include this stat because I'm almost a year off my period and it's not coming back.
Energy Level: I've had such a weird few months that sleep and rest ha
Voice: It seems to have settled. But I'll let you guys be the judge.




I've got a youtube but I got to edit before I update it. It'll be up soon.

August... Yeah yeah I suck

I was sick all of July with a nasty flu, lots of phlegm and coughing so I didn't make a recording so I didn't do my blog. I'm a horrible person. I know. I got my surgical consult done and I will be having chest surgery done. I'm on a bit of a self-imposed timeline. If I can't have it by November 1st, I won't have it until January. We'll be flying home for Christmas and if I'm not somewhat healed, and I don't really want to deal with it. If I can't hug my family that's going to suck. It can also cause issues during the flight, with the change in air pressure causing swelling in my chest or also something like blood clots. Not worth it to me, so I'm going to try my hardest to get in by Nov 1, and if not then I'll have to wait.

I've been hanging out with transguys more often, I wish I had some cismale friends so I could see how guys move and act more to help me watch and learn but I'm learning from guys who are learning from watching other guys, so it is what it is.

Anyway, I don't have much else to report at this time. On to stats.


STATS

Weight: 279 lbs
Libido: It's something I deal with on a daily basis, failure to 'complete the mission' leads to a lot of physical frustration. I've caught myself on a few different occasions fully staring at a woman's breasts... like there were magnets involved. Mostly my wife's but at least one or two other women at different times in the last two months. I've gotten mostly over it, but sometimes get caught off guard.
Skin: Still some on my back, mostly shoulder blades, but a lot coming in around my chin and especially towards the last week of my shot.
Hair: I feel it's getting thiner and it's falling out more. Making an appointment to get on Rogaine which is supposed to help with facial hair growth too.
Body Hair: Tummy is getting thick dark hair on the happy trail, but also hair around belly button. It's starting to creep up my chest and it's just under my breasts. My pores on my breasts are getting thicker, like they're getting ready for hair. My ass crack has gotten quite hairy, not my ass… just the crack. Leg hair is definitely darker, but not causing as many ingrown hairs. My pit hair no longer bothers me anymore.
Dosage: 250mg
Amount of time on T: 34 weeks
Build: Hips continue to melt away, arms are getting quite strong with no work. I've got more strength, can do pushups which I've never been able to do before and I'm feeling much more strong.
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: More energized, especially after meals. I definitely feel a surge of energy and if I don't eat, I feel weaker and more tired. I'm finding myself sometimes bored so I'll drop onto the ground and do some pushups just cause I can. I'm also wishing we lived on a bus route where the gym was more accessible because Shan's often gone with the car and I really feel compelled to go to the gym, but then she'll get home and I'll want to spend time with her so I don't end up going.
Voice: It's finally stopped cracking but seems to still be getting lower. I had a pretty massive flu for most of July, my excuse for not posting a blog, so my voice was manipulated by that and had very little talking range let alone singing. Now that I'm over the flu, I can sing more and have full talking range. I still sound female, but I can't do a high pitched voice... I try and it's like this empty space where the tone should be. I can pitch it lower and that's quite fun to do.




Misc: I haven't measured downstairs but it's definitely grown. I've actually also come to his point where a lot of my friends think I pass amazingly well but almost unanimously when I'm out I'll get "ma'am"-ed. It SUCKS. I'm fairly certain it's cause of the boobs so it kinda puts up this discomfort wall and probably makes passing worse. Hopefully this will be handled soon.

June

So, it's been a while. I think it's time to just accept the fact I suck and it'll be a while between them. Oh well. So anyway, everything's been going well. I've been busy, telling my coming out story at different schools and work with Genderbridge. I also did some volunteering for a Queer Youth Hui called Kazam, hosted by Rainbow Youth. I did a bit of filming and made a video which was well received. There were a ton of transguys there and I got to talking. Cue idiot point 1. The big one.

There was a guy there who had told me about how he pretty much abused T, taking a huge dose quite frequently… it caused him to have really rapid results physically but shut down emotionally. A couple other guys talked about how they were all over 200 (most at 250) and I got T envy. I'd had my shot the Friday before (it was now Monday) and I got a bit obsessed with it. I was at 200 so after 2 days of deliberation with myself (and without talking to the wife- again idiot move) I injected myself with 50 more. I did it myself, into my thigh. It was surprisingly hard for me to do it. I kept freaking out about doing it and so I ended up putting it in quite slowly. It didn't hurt going in or out and I thought I was quite smart. I ended up confessing to Shan what I'd done and being an idiot boy I thought there was no big deal. The next week I had the worst heartburn of my life. I couldn't eat without agony following, I also had a bit of a mood swing. Lesson learned. I didn't have any magic growth spurts or anything that I had in my head that would happen, I just pissed off my wife- got in a fight, and then had heartburn as payback.

We agreed to raise the dose this time, as long as I was honest about it to the doctor. We'd see if it did anything that I hoped or if it kept the heartburn and slight insomnia it caused. My doctor would be happy to keep me at a low dose, but I'm six months in and I'm not as far as I feel I should be. I'm further ahead of another guy who uses my endo and fully started slow, I at least argued to go a bit faster… but even that is still 'slow' in the spectrum of things. I just want to have my voice finally start to settle instead of being the constant breaking it is now. I'd like to have some sign of stubble, sideburns, or something. It's really hard to not be disheartened since I'm six months in and feel like I'm at the level I should've been at three months.

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist and my endo and they both gave me a thumbs up for top surgery. My endo was going to refer me into the free system on the Shore. No dice. The one doctor he knew of no longer does it. I called every clinic I could find online on the shore, no one has any doctor who does it free. The Auckland DHB was my only option so I'm going to temporarily be residing at a friend's house to qualify for the DHB. I've got an appointment on the 29th to get my initial consultation done and hopefully it'll be under six months from then. I've spent the last few days looking at more male chests than I think I ever have. I'm really looking into what I want and what I don't want so that I can make the best decision possible for the surgery. I won't agree to a shit job just to have it done, it's hugely important to get them off but I don't want it to be done so poorly that I have to spend thousands and thousands to fix how they look but never have sensation back.

Anyway, on to stats.


Weight: 284 lbs
Libido: Things get me turned on pretty easily, I don't always HAVE to do something about it but I find myself touching more than I ever have. Not in public but if I'm home and bored, I'll feel like it's a good option.
Skin: Acne on my back, just down the sides and not the middle. I've got new pores appearing on my face, like along my cheekbones. I thought it was a five o'clock shadow but nope… pores. I've always got a few zits on my face. No full blown acne but if it gets problematic I'm getting on that shit.
Hair: I don't know if it's my imagination or not but despite the fact my hair's longer, it still seems a little thin. Like the skin, if I start noticeably losing my hair I'm going to get on that.
Body Hair: Tummy is getting thick dark hair on the happy trail, but also hair around belly button. It's starting to creep up my chest and it's just under my breasts. My pores on my breasts are getting thicker, like they're getting ready for hair. My ass crack has gotten quite hairy, not my ass… just the crack. Leg hair is definitely darker, but not causing as many ingrown hairs. My pit hair still has to be trimmed, if it gets too long it really irritates my underarms.
Dosage: 250mg
Amount of time on T: 6 months 1 week
Build: My hips vanished. I used to be quite pear shaped but Shan noticed that I was fairly straight. All the fat has gone to my stomach but that's starting to go away as well. My arms are quite strong despite the fact I've been shit about the gym recently.
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Horrible after shots, absolutely horrible. Horrible in that I usually have really shitty insomnia that night. I just had my shot about 4-5 hours ago and I kinda feel buzzing but in a weird way, I'm pretty tired but I feel quite energized as well. Kinda sucks.
Voice: It breaks, a lot. My dad was poking fun at me last week and said he had issues with his voice until he was 24. My mom wasn't there to call him on it but I was like, 'fuck me'. It ended up being bullshit and he thought it was pretty funny, but my voice is definitely breaking. There's a huge difference between the first recording and this once and it is going fast (in my opinion) cause I can't sing along with a song on Friday that I did Monday to the same level of success. LOL.



Misc: Bit more downstairs growth. Heartburn is fucking killing me, it's usually pretty bad right after my shot. I can be quite irritable right after a shot, and quite emotional at the end of a shot. I've also done some stupid things this last month and I blame testosterone for it.

Back log Stats... Totally my bad

As of April 22. I had this done just forgot to post it.


Weight: 290lbs. Haven't been eating healthy and I've had a bit of a chest cold/infection so I haven't hit the gym as much as I would have liked.
Libido: Starting to deal with a bit of a constant arousal, though it's more if something REALLY gets me turned on, it just doesn't go away… even with some self love. It has kept me from sleeping a couple times and a cold cloth was required to tame it enough so I could sleep.
Skin: Face is oiler but not getting as many breakouts there as I was before. My body though, especially my breasts/chest/and back are getting more frequent break outs. Nothing nearing an acne level, but a heightened level of zits that just remain red bumps.
Hair: Not as much hair falling out as before, it grows fast still.
Body Hair: Still only a few hairs on the corners of my lips still and those are pretty light. I am getting a bit of a happy trail as well.
Dosage: 200mg
Amount of time on T: 18 weeks
Build: My fat has definitely started shifting and I'm carrying more in my stomach than I used to. Under my arm flab, my biceps are actually pretty muscular. If I don't double bind, my breasts are very pronounced for some reason which is kinda pissing me off.
Menstruation: Haven't menstruated in about 5 weeks. I think I may be done. Halla-freaking-lujah!
Energy Level: My last trip to the gym, I had limited time to work. Only an hour before I had to get to an appointment. I was tired (lots of insomnia recently for more personal troubles that have come up) and I wanted to go home and sleep, but the actual workout was a breeze.
Voice: Shan HATES when I try to sing along to girl music, I can't anymore and if I try falsetto it's pitchy at best. I'm noticing a real difference between this audio recording and my first pre-T one. I do have the remnants of a chest cold still and that made my voice low for a bit. But I'm getting closer and closer to the breaking point.



Misc: I've moved up 40lbs in how much I can do chin-ups since is a goal of mine to be able to do them since I never have been able to. I can do a couple extra reps of arm weights than I could pre-T and with less fatigue. I'm a little sore today but mostly my legs from trying to ride an upright bike for my cardio and I felt like I was over extending a lot so my quad is quite sore.

We shall overcome

February Sucked. Period. End of sentence. January was a very epic month on a personal level. One of my best friends was in from the States and we saw a lot of the country. She left the first week of February. That day we were robbed. Our laptops were stolen as was my digital SLR that still had pictures from the vacation on it. It was pretty shitty and just the beginning. There was a lot of drama with Genderbridge going on. I don't want to go into details but I was bullied and harassed during the month of January and eventually dismissed unlawfully in February. It was a very horrible situation but I'm eternally grateful it's over. I've been reinstated now and the last two months are finally over and done. I've really learned to stand up for myself and that you can persevere. I've found a lot of support outside of Genderbridge and now hope to bring them aboard to revitalize the negative image that it's taken in the last two months.

I've got a new laptop ao I'm back and here are my stats for now.



Weight: 285lbs still but people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight.
Libido: Feeling generally horny a lot but not really a huge pressing issue or anything like that. I want sex more but can still live without it.
Skin: Face is definitely oilier but I'm using ProActive to keep breakouts as much in check as I can. Shoulders have broken out a little bit but nothing unmanageable.
Hair: A little bit of thinning but it's growing really fast.
Body Hair: A few dark hairs on the corner of my lips. I shaved them off on Monday and they're back today. Shan said she noticed them a week before I did but was waiting for me to notice.
Dosage: 100mg
Amount of time on T: 12 weeks
Build: I keep being told I look like I'm losing weight though the scale isn't changing. I think the fat has started shifting a bit. My arms generally look stronger and my breasts are losing what little elasticity they had so they hang much more. If I double bind (yes I know it's bad but I only do it in VERY short bursts and only when I really need to pass) I'm extremely flat and my build is very masculine.
Menstruation: Last period lasted for like two and a half weeks of just spotting. This one, that I'm currently on (*grumble*) started out that way for three days but then just hugely escalated to a full period. I can't wait for it to stop. I really can't.
Energy Level: A little bit more energized, I can work out longer and usually WANT to work out longer. I just keep ending up at the gym with a bunch of douches that joke around on the equipment so I am very limited in what I can do so I end up doing more cardio than weights.
Voice: It seems a little lower, I can sing lower and have trouble singing higher. My voice definitely tires when I try to sing higher stuff, or sing along with people like Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars who sing in a bit of a falsetto. One Bruno Mars song belted out and my voice is almost shot.

Misc: I'm a bit snappy, especially the first few days after shots. After my first 100mg shot, I was slightly less snappy but it's still very easy to get a small temper flare up. Until recently I've also been extremely stressed so that probably didn't help much.

Lots of drama, not a lot of time.

I've been up to my ears in a lot of things and not really having time. I promise to post more later but for now, I can just do stats.

STATS:
Weight: It's up a little but I've got a friend from the states here and we've been eating junk food a lot and that fried chicken from across the street. I've had pizza more in the last month then I've had in the last year. Soda consumption has gone up as well and I'm often trying to stop drinking it.
Libido: Up a little, a little easier to orgasm as well.
Skin: Noticeably oily. More zits coming in in places I don't usually get them, like my cheek and neck. Still totaling under 10 at the highest. Definitely inflamed a bit more around menstruation.
Hair: No change.
Body Hair: Leg hair seems a little thicker but nothing noticeable anything new.
Dosage: 50mg (next shot goes up to 100mg)
Amount of time on T: 6 weeks
Build: No change.
Menstruation: Before my 2nd shot, I had a full menstruation. It started very slowly and I was dealing with it for three days before it escalated enough to get cramps. On my period again, same thing. On my third day, still very light, but I can feel the cramps starting.
Energy Level: A little up, but I've been hiking, camping, snorkeling, and swimming a lot with my friend in town.
Voice: My throat gets sore after long talks a lot easier than before. I noticeably clear my throat more and when singing along with the radio, I can't sing quite as high as I could before.

Misc: I've also noticed that I can deal with anxiety a lot better than before. I feel a lot more confident when handling confrontation. I've also been a bit more moody and its easier to get my temper flaring. I also have a lower tolerance for dealing with drama and bullshit. I've still been driven to tears (long long story filled with dramatic sighs that I don't want to get into) but it rose from a confrontation I would not have been able to face months ago. Not that it's a perk or anything to be made to cry, but the fact I was able to handle this situation for as long as I did is an emotional improvement.

New Years

Happy New Years, first and foremost. It's been quite the year for me and my wife and we're hoping that next year is even better. I am over half-way through my first shot and I went through a small phase where I felt really down because there was nothing happening with my T. My skin got oily and I think that my horniness and initial rush of energy were more in my head than in my body which brought me down a bit. With my ADD I tend to want things NOW and have little patience for long, drawn out things, yet that's where I am. Forced to be patient. IT SUCKS! I'm really looking forward to my next shot and hoping for something to happen.

Shan and I sat down and both made our resolutions about our bodies and health. We both want to lose weight and so that's the big goal for us. We're really motivated, but isn't everyone at the start of the New Year? We're going to work for it, and try to push each other to be good.

Other than that there's not too much to report. It was a quiet holiday since we're so far from home. Nothing really exciting happened.

C'est la vie.




STATS:
Weight: 286lbs - Pretty good that I didn't pack on a ton of weight over the holidays, not cause of great feasts or anything but because the only places open when we forgot to buy groceries were fast food and a place with AMAZING fried chicken.
Libido: Down.
Skin: Still a little oily but I got sunburned so it seems to dried up a little.
Hair: No change.
Body Hair: Super fine and soft hair on my face is growing a little faster than usual.
Dosage: 50mg
Amount of time on T: 2 weeks, 2 days
Build: No change
Menstruation: Aunt Flo has come. Bitch. It started up on the 2nd week mark. Started very slow and today it's up to normal speed with some cramping.
Energy Level: Haven't been sleeping well still (not uncommon for me), very low energy level)
Voice: Throat is sore off and on, off and on my voice feels higher and lower but nothing obvious. Sore throats can persist all day and be gone without warning.

Misc: My mood was a little wishy washy this week, uncertain if it was PMS or T doing it. Shan thought I was really snappy and really agitated but that's nothing new with my PMS.

X-Mas Stat update

Weight: No change
Libido: General arousal but not what could be deemed horniness.
Skin: Noticeably oily, especially my T-zone (forehead and nose), a little on my cheeks and a little bit of breaking out on my chin.
Hair: First time since cutting my hair short that I've seen more than one or two hairs loose when I showered. I saw a half dozen which was a lot.
Body Hair: No change
Dosage: 50mg
Amount of time on T: 1 week
Build: No change
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Haven't been sleeping well, so my energy has been a bit low.
Voice: Throat is sore off and on, off and on my voice feels higher and lower but nothing obvious.

Misc: N/A

Day 1

So a little over 24 hours ago, I got my first shot of T. We had to go to Greenlane hospital so Shannon could be taught how to do the injections and that was really cool for her.

Anyways, back tracking a bit. So the night before my injection, Shan and I both had trouble falling asleep. I don't think it was any special reason why, not nerves for the next day and the step we would be taking so much as we just couldn't fall asleep. Neither of us are particularly morning people if we can help it, so when morning came by we hadn't been sleeping that long.

I am one of those people who doesn't function particularly well without sleep. I need about 5 hours or I get exceptionally emotional and sometimes my heart can race a little. It's like having a battery undercharged, it's still trying to do all the work you need it to do, it just doesn't have the juice. So that was me for the first part of yesterday.

The alarm went off and there was no way I was going back to sleep. We'd given ourselves an hour to get out the door to get across town to Greenlane. Shan wasn't ready to get up so I got up and got ready, did my audio recording (that went on my last blog- I lied about the date but it was still my voice pre-t), and then I got Shan up. We ended up out the door exactly when we had intended to leave which is not very like us but good.

We missed the traffic rush, so we ended up at the hospital about 15 minutes early. We had to pick up my bottle of T that we'd be taking home. It was this tiny little thing, 100mg/ml - so a thousand mgs- which is about 8 doses for me with a little left over. It cost me 3 dollars. You heard it 3 dollars. I never imagined it'd cost that little, but I wasn't going to argue. So we got it and then went upstairs.

We were in the waiting room until the exact minute of my appointment when the nurse came in. She was awesome, excited to teach Shan and very cool. As we walked to the room, I noticed a guy from GenderBridge was there getting some fasting tests done before he started T. We got set up in the office and went to talk to him. We were seeing the same Endo, but unlike me he hadn't challenged the doctor's usual methods of starting on pills at 25 mg and slowly working up to full dose then converting to full dose shots. He didn't even really know that was an option, to challenge the system to get more. Only that no matter what subsidized option he chose he would have to start very low and work his way up.

We chatted for a bit then headed to the room again. The nurse had finished setting up and getting everything ready while we talked with Jay and then she walked Shannon through everything. I mean everything. How to determine the dose of something if the bottle is in a different level of dosage, how to do the math on that, how to identify good injection locations, how to draw the needle and get it ready- slowly cause all Testosterone uses oil as a base, mine was cotton seed oil... and then it was the magic time. I chose to do it standing cause for some reason, laying down kinda sounds worse to me. The needle was a .22 gauge and looked a lot bigger than it felt. I relaxed my leg and she counted to three to inject it. I totally thought it'd be like "Okay, on the count of three I'll do it. One -STICK-" but no she waited til three... I braced myself (while trying to keep my leg relaxed) and then it was in. It didn't hurt at all.

Like it actually was the slightest of pinches and then when it came out it was hardly noticeable. It isn't sore even today. There was no ache, a little itchy but that was all in my head because the itch migrated all over my ass. It was all in all painless.

We got some needles and what not that we'd need for the injections and then headed out. We were having dinner company over and we had to finish cleaning and get some stuff picked up for the meal. We had a bit of scrambling, but by 3 we had gotten everything pretty much ready. I didn't have much prepwork left for dinner and we had a spotless house. During that time anything I felt, I was questioning if it was the T 'kicking in'. Always it was no and it eventually drove Shan crazy a little.

Our guests were coming around 5-ish so we planned to nap a little and went to bed around 3:30 and I didn't really sleep but I rested (and boy did I need it!) but Shan was out like a light. I was up around 4:40, cause I didn't want to be in bed if they came early. I let her stay in bed until 5. But our guests ended up caught in traffic and weren't here until 6. Oh well, I wouldn't have slept and we got some more last minute stuff done around the house.

They came and were here until about 9:30 when they had to head home. It was a good dinner, but kinda exhausting. By 10, I was struggling to stay awake and by 11 I called it a night. It only lasted for about 20 minutes before just laying down recharged me. I was wide awake so I went to the gym. I noticed my skin felt a little oily on my face on the drive there but nothing else felt different.

I was a bit sore and tired at the gym, I normally start with 15 minutes of cardio and go to the weight machines, then go to the free weights, then do some weights and end with 5 more of cardio. But I only did about 10 minutes on the bike (which wasn't as cardio intensive as the full body machines I normally use) and then a lot of short burst machine work. With free wights I did a lot more, especially my arms, and pretty much worked myself until I was tired again. I had expected it to be 15-20 mins of overall work but it was closer to 40 before I really felt DONE.

I've set a goal for myself (aside from losing weight) that I want to be able to do chin-ups... to have that kind of arm strength. I've never been able to do them and I really want to be able to. I was able to do several reps at 100 pounds without much difficulty so I'll work my way up.

So okay, that's my boring boring day. My face is a little oily, my voice seems normal, no magical facial hair or anything. Nothing too exciting except I'm going to go see Tron tonight.


Weight: No change
Libido: No real change, a little excited but I can naturally be that way.
Skin: The only real change I've felt and could point at and say 'this is new' is my face has been a bit oily.
Hair: No change
Body Hair: No change
Dosage: 50mg
Amount of time on T: 1 day
Build: No change
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Exhausted most of the day (due to lack of sleep), had an hour nap and still remained fairly tired. Went to bed early (11pm) about 20 minutes of laying there I got really energetic and went to the gym. Only anticipated doing a 15 minute work out and did a 1/2 hour.
Voice: Throat is sore, not sure if it's from the heat and humidity and having to have constant fans on, allergies, or T.

Misc: N/A

Update

I wish I could say that I haven't really been blogging because there hasn't been anything going on but I think it's been so much but in such tiny morsels here and there. It really hasn't really felt like much at the time but looking back it's been a very, very busy few months.

So okay, I've recently really gotten involved with GenderBride which was the group I was mostly talking about last time. I'm now their coordinator since it became vacant and I wanted to volunteer. It's pretty sweet. I'm 100% immersed there and supported 100% on it. I keep getting called guy and bloke by the Kiwi's I work with and each time it just is like a huge boost to my esteem. I'm finding I'm just generally more happy. I can have intense anxiety about social situations but I haven't once felt it there. I've got some really great friends there too now, which is really nice in and of itself. Shan's also finding a lot of support with other partners which is great for her. She's come around almost completely. She still slips and calls me 'she' but she's working on it. She's even on the board of GenderBridge.

We also went to a NZTransguys party and met some other guys. One guy had his chest done in August and it looked AMAZING. He had a keyhole surgery so it wouldn't be the results I had at all, but Shan was fascinated by how good he looked. He had been transitioning for 2 years and looked flawless. He was 17-19 when he started so he's still young, but still, it was the total ideal you know? Looked more like a guy than a lot of guys I've known in my life.

On the medical front, I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist named Dr. Ian Holdaway. He is very familiar with the transition process and very thorough during our first session. He gave me a check up and we talked T options. He likes to go gently, often prescribing pills instead of shots to start with low dosages. He doesn't like "jarring the body" with high doses of T in general, it was a long discussion before he would consider giving me 50-100mg versus 25mg shots to start.

But first I had to get my psych clearance. Dr. Holdaway first referred me to Dr. Louise Armstrong, but after 5 weeks she finally got back to him to inform him she wasn't taking patients. So I was then referred to Dr. Ian Goodwin and was in to see him within two weeks. Shan came with me and by the time our session was done, he gave the thumbs up and was 100% behind me getting on T and pursuing this. Since it had been 7 weeks since my appointment with Holdaway I set up an appointment in advance to meet with Holdaway again so that he could do my prescription and we could get this ball rolling. Dr. Goodwin was willing to expedite his letter for me, instead of two weeks he had it done and sent out in two days.

So yesterday I met with Holdaway again. This time Shan was able to come and we had a lot of the same conversations. He was set on pills (which I've heard nothing but horror stories about in US blogs and I'm not keen on), then he suggested the cream (which can rub off onto Shan and since she has PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - and that means she has too much testosterone for her parts to work properly... so I didn't want her getting any more through me). He then suggested the patch, which we talked about me not having a good history of patches. I break out with them and have a tendency to pick things off of me (like bandaids or patches) if they piss me off. We then talked about doing implants as well, which is WAY out of my price range considering it'd have to be done in the hospital and I'd have to pay for that.

It seemed like he was really beating around giving me the shots, like any option was better. But then we had the same conversation, he wanted to start me off at 25mg for 3 months, then up to 50 for 2, then 75 for 2 then 100. And it was like, WTF? We already talked this out buddy. It took about 10 minutes and a lot of everything to get him to agree to the 50 to start, and even that might change before my first shot. I hope to god he doesn't give me 25 or I'll just add 25 more at home. I'm going to be getting a 1000cc bottle to self administer at home. It is a lot better option than the 100 bottles that are single use, so I'd be tossing a lot of T out because I couldn't use it. It just wasn't financially sound either. The bigger bottle was just a better choice for me.

So tomorrow, I have my first shot. The nurses are going to teach Shan how to do the shots so we can do it at home from now on. I will also get paperwork to do a blood test in three weeks to just see where my testosterone levels are. I won't have to see him for 3 months at that point to do a full check up and see where I am and how I'm doing with everything. I won't find out until tomorrow if he went with 25 or 50 but I hope larger. He's considering it because I have slightly elevated testosterone levels already. The average girl has a level of 2, boys have from 8-30. I had 3.5. Oooh. So HIGH. *sarcasm inserted*. He also worries about my blood thickening too much or my cholesterol getting bad but it's just undue concern. I have a great cholesterol level and I feel like I have really thin blood (mostly cause it takes me forever to heal from anything). But who knows.


Alright so below is what I am going to call my 'Stats' section. I'm going to record a bunch of different things as I transition to see how I progress.

Weight: 285 lb (130kg)
Libido: Kinda there but not pressing.
Skin: Broke out a little before my last menstruation but cleared up. A couple little blemishes under my breasts from where sweat has accumulated while binding. Nothing big or noticeable. Skin is mostly clear, non oily.
Hair: I generally have thinner hair. I just got my hair cut and it is still growing pretty quickly. No existing bald spots or masculine hairline.
Body Hair: Pits and legs. Light arm hair, very fine facial peach fuzz and happy trail.
Dosage: Not on T.
Amount of time on T: Not on T.
Build: Overweight, 5'9.5", decent leg, arm, and shoulder strength, poor back strength
Menstruation: Finished a very light cycle today. Only a couple days long and light the whole way through.
Energy Level: Low energy. Worked out yesterday and over worked stomach so it's sore to move which is given me as much excuse as I need to not go to the gym today.
Voice: Normal pre-T voice. Alto vocal range.

Misc: Shoe size 10.5 US

If anyone wants anything else tracked, let me know.