Manniversary and HUGE update

Okay kids. It's been SEVERAL months since my last confession… I mean blog. (Excuse my bad humor as it may come, I haven't been sleeping particularly well and infect did not sleep the night before).

I've had an exceptionally tumultuous time, been through a lot physically and emotionally. I've found out who some of my true friends are and that some people just suck and that you have to learn the difference and let the ones who suck go.

SO okay, lets start from the beginning, shall we?



Pre-Admission, True Friends, and the World Cup-

First, I got my surgical pre-admission. I was called at 9:30 in the morning, informing me I was late for the appointment which was at 9:00. They were pissed I wasn't there but gave me an hour to get there or they'd scratch my day. They also told me it would take 3 to 4 hours and that I had to get there as quick as possible. When I got there, it took only an hour and a half and I was told I would have a date between a week to a month after that.

That was a Thursday, and not wanting to wait for ages, I called on the next Tuesday (to this day wishing I'd done the freaking Monday instead) and right then and there they booked me for the next Tuesday. One week notice. I was freaking JAZZED. That Saturday, Shan threw a very impromptu party for me. I had a Superman cake, an effigy to burn a bra as a metaphor for my breasts, and this awesome book that my friends signed wishing me good luck with the surgery or what not. It was really amazing and I'd spent the whole week now obsessed with my breasts… more than I'd been in years. I was constantly aware of the pain they caused and the discomfort and I had never wanted them gone more.

But I also noticed during the week that the Rugby World Cup was going to begin that Sunday. I was supposed to call on Monday to confirm my slot and get a time, but I called on Friday and the nurse had no idea what to make of the schedule and told me to call on Monday. I called and as it turned out, the hospital was overloaded with idiots who'd gotten hurt during the world cup opening ceremony and all surgeries were cancelled until further notice.

For six weeks, SIX FUCKING WEEKS, I agonized over it. It took two weeks before they finally told me that the only day the surgeon operated was on Tuesday and so if I wouldn't have to call as often. This first two weeks. I was incredibly depressed. I felt like I'd never wanted anything more and then it was gone. I was on a time crunch. I had until November 1st before I would have to draw the line myself because I just wouldn't have time to heal up enough to travel home and be sociable. Every day inched closer to that, and every day I was hearing nothing.

I finally got the relief of knowing it was only one day a week, so I'd just obsess about it on Monday (hoping to get a call to say 'come tomorrow') and on Tuesday (knowing it was another day passing that I wasn't having my surgery). Time inched by. What made matters worse, is that after I got my pre-admission I'd posted my excitement, and then again when I got my date and I was met with a surprising amount of hostility. A lot of 'why are you using our system, you're not from here', 'you're taking a surgical spot away from a deserving Kiwi', and a lot of other jealousy and resentment. Once I lost my date, I was still left with all that negativity around me and I felt like shit. A few people really stood up and stood out as friends, while others proved they weren't worth my time. Shan and I also learned that you didn't have to know someone for very long to have a profound friendship. She had someone volunteer to sit with her at the hospital and at that point we weren't particularly close friends (she ended up not being able to but we've since become great friends).

During that time, I felt so down that I isolated myself. I saw a few people but it was mostly at Shan's insistence. I felt like an idiot because I'd been so excited for the surgery that didn't end up happening. It was a really hard time for me.

Towards the end of the world cup, I called again and FINALLY got a date. The Tuesday following the closing ceremony. To say I was skeptical would be a fucking understatement. I was TERRIFIED it wasn't going to happen. I was scared there'd be a full out riot and it'd shut down the hospital for weeks… because at this point it was the 25th of October. If we went one more week, that was my cut off. Two more and I would have to wait until the New Year, which would've brought me down for the rest of the year. So I watched the Final with bated breath, praying to God, The Goddess, Allah, Buddah and everything else that I could of to make sure the All Blacks won. It was the most stressful game to watch because in the end, they inched by to win. I spent that night checking to see if there'd been celebratory riots starting in town, and did a few more times. I called on Monday to confirm and I was in. It didn't feel real. It was so shocking really. Surprising. I was certain I'd wake up and it'd be a dream. But no. I got packed and the next morning we went to the hospital and I got checked in. I'd barely slept the night before and when I got into the operating theater and laid on the gurney, I fell asleep.


Surgery-

The one thing they didn't fully prepare me for wasn't the pain (which there was a lot of) but numbness. Not in my chest but in my thumb, index, and middle fingers on both hands. Both hands got quite swollen, not even done swelling yet, but the fingers were completely asleep. It wasn't until late the second night that someone finally addressed that as more than just "interesting". The nerves for your hands run near your armpits, there is a small chance they can nick the nerves and you can lose sensation in your hands. The nerves for the first three and the last three are bundled together (middle finger's so awesome it gets to be on both sides of the nerves). They put you in almost like a crucifixion position, for about 2 hours (my length of surgery) and that puts strain on all of those nerves. It took until Thursday night before I had my feeling fully back. The doctor realized it was strain and not permanent damage because it was on both sides and fairly uniform. But that was never a potential downside of surgery that I was informed of.

The first day I was sore, I came out and spent about two and a half hours in recovery because my breathing was shallow and the pain was constant. I went to my room and was tired, but extremely lucid. My wife was there, as was her support person, and a friend who goes to school near the hospital so they were talking and I'd interject here and there but then fall right back to sleep. I was surprisingly coherent compared to when I got my wisdom teeth out and would make jokes that didn't make sense at all.

I slept, a lot, but not very well. Pain would wake me up every couple hours and the night nurses at Auckland Hospital are INFINITELY better about getting meeds when you need them than the day nurses. Day nurses will get sidetracked or forget and I went 4 hours without pain medicine one day (not fun).

My first night was rough, my Oxygen levels were low and my blood pressure was high so I was on air all night which gives you a monster of a sore throat that no amount of water can help with. They're mostly just trying to keep you comfortable and sleeping, but my best sleeps were always in short bursts because after a while I'd need pain relief. I also firmly suggest bringing earplugs if you're not in a single room. I shared with three other patients and two of them snored. Not just that but it's easy to fall asleep it's just hard to stay asleep. Nurses come in and out, you can hear beeps of alarms for other people… it's just necessity and if you don't use them, then that's fine.

I slept about 3 hours of actual good sleep that first night, the rest of it was kinda this very dazed/drugged semi-sleep. The doctors then showed up at about 8-9 and asked how I was. My response was always, 'I'm alright'. I'm pretty good with managing pain, but for them, this translated to a desire to discharge me. The nurse came in a bit later to start discharging me and I refused. I hadn't slept, the pain medicine they used had been too strong, and I'd been on oxygen all night. Not to mention half my hand was numb and somewhere around 11am I started swelling (which is normal and acceptable the nurses don't really know that though). It took a little bit of convincing but they let me stay.

The second day I pretty much slept, ate, showered, and visited with friends when they came by. For showering, because of how my bandages are, I am allowed to, only from the back and with a towel pressed to my chest to cover the bandages. Something I would suggest bringing that I hadn't thought of was a shoe lace to drape over my neck and hang my drains from while I showered and safety pins to attach them to your pants because I got very tired of carrying them. But then again, I had massive breasts with a lot of blood and fluid that went to them and so I've had a lot of drainage. At that point, I thought I would have mine in at least until November 3rd when I get bandages off, but the doctor thought possibly even longer. You have to do less than 30ml in 24 hours before they'll let the drain come out.

Pain was pretty hard to control the second day (I have an issue with codeine so that left me with morphine and the morphine pills were quite strong). Since it's a public hospital, I would go a while between when I rang the nurse for pain meds and when I would get them. The doctors didn't always come see me, so nurses would be explaining things to them and they wouldn't always do it right. One pill they tried since they wanted me off of liquid morphine knocked me into space. Within ten minutes of taking it, I was dizzy, couldn't open my eyes without feeling like I was falling. I got some anti-nausea medicine but the nurse didn't talk to the doctor about it, nor did the nurse who she handed off to who KNEW I didn't react well to it. So when it came time to get my drugs again, they brought me the same thing and I refused it because it'd been such hell the first time. She then had to track down a doctor, during shift change, and it took a couple hours before they got me anything else, and by the time they came back with liquid morphine, my pain was the highest it'd been period.

It eventually subsided and I stayed for a few days to fully recover. Here's a couple pics of me right after.

I had 2.3kg (or about 5 pounds) PER BREAST taken off.


Intermission-

So I went home and had to set up a pillow between Shan and I so she didn't roll onto me which was a godsend really. It also kept my drains from getting tangled. Oh my freaking drains. I got my bandages off on the third but was nowhere near the drain amounts they wanted so they had to stay in. I had to go to the nurse every couple days to get the bandages checked and I'd give them my draining info. Every Thursday I would see the Breast Clinic and Dr. Jones' team and that was really good.

On a Saturday, I had an appointment and the nurse I saw decided to "help" a couple of my scabs and picked them. The one on my left drain site hurt like a monster when she took it offend I should've known something went wrong. On Tuesday I got my drains out, they were finally low enough and they were just driving me crazy. It'd been three weeks at that point since the surgery. I felt done. The right side came easy but the left had a lot of resistance before it literally popped out of my chest. The nurse thought the drain site looked angry and was going to put something on it, but forgot and bandaged me up to send me home.

That night it started to swell and by Wednesday it was red and angry and had cellulitis which looks like horrible stretchmarks. I was nervous but I was seeing the doctor the next day so I didn't want to go to A and E if it wasn't worth it. At the appointment, they were not excited about the mark at all. It was pretty large, angry, red, and INFECTED. They readmitted me to the hospital, then and there, but let me go home to get lunch and pack before I had to be back. They wanted me for 24-48 hours (tops) just to attack it with some antibiotics and get it over with. God I wish it'd been that easy.


Hosptial, take 2 -

So I checked in and the first nurse took 3 tries to ATTEMPT to get an IV in me. He gave up and the next nurse did it in one shot but in the crook of my left arm which wasn't a great place to do it. The antibiotic they used is exceptionally painful, it causes damage to the blood vessels and it's just shit really. You're supposed to do it over an hour, but the pace it was at was like someone was dripping acid on me to sever my arm. It was awful! I believe whole heartedly that the nurse messed up the dose. I think he at least doubled it, if not more. At the only rate we could do it at without me writing in pain, it took 4 hours to do what should've been done in an hour. The next nurse put me on a pain pump at the same dose and it hurt at the same level as the 4 hour drip… maybe a little more, but not as severely as the first time (hence why me thinking he effed up the dose). The next nurse doubled the saline and ran it through at the same speed as before. And that was fine…. except that it made me so nauseous that I couldn't eat. I barely touched anything on two meals and felt like throwing up both from being super hungry and also from the sight, smell, and thought of food making me sick. I let them know, hoping for something to help with the nausea but instead they changed my antibiotic. *le sigh*. The next stuff was weak. VERY weak. No progress in my infection was made and the 24 hours came and went, as did the 48 hours.

I finally was sent to get an ultrasound, to see if there was a collection of fluid or something that was stopping it from healing properly. He used a 30cc syringe to draw it out and it popped like a balloon when he entered the needle. Fluid gushed out and he was able to fill the syringe as well. It should've been the end of it, but the hole had to be filled and it was… by a hematoma. I went back to get a second ultrasound two days later, the same size and shape but this time filled with clotted blood that they couldn't draw out.

A week finally rolled around and I couldn't do it anymore. Over the last four weeks, almost half had been in hospital and while I'd had a ton of visitors the first stay in hospital, not many came the second time. It was fine, but I felt exceptionally isolated. I was allowed out between antibiotic doses but it never felt long enough and felt really down and depressing. I also had been having issues with my IV. We'd switched it from my left arm to my right hand because I felt like it was shredding my vein because I needed to move my arm and use my arms to support my weight cause I couldn't use my chest but they'd put it in facing my fingers and not my wrist so the line caught on everything and was causing bruising down my hand that they didn't see. It got to be so painful that I'd wince or cry out during the IV flushes. They tried again to change the sites. Two tries by the nurse. Four by a doctor. Both said I should drink more water until I told them I was drinking three liters… so they decided to take it out… let me rest and try in the morning again. I got oral antibiotics instead of IV and the next day I finally asked my doctor (after days of hearing "let's see how it is tomorrow") if I could go home. I was taking oral antibiotics already and if I didn't have to get another IV that'd be great by me. He all but kicked me out there. It was a Thursday and I'd have to see the clinic on Monday.

Monday they decided to cut it open, force the hematoma out, and wick the infection out (stick a cloth in it to drain the fluid). I had to go to the nurse every day for two weeks to get this done, and eventually down to every other day. December 6, I got to move to once a week and on the 13 they told me I was done. Infection finally gone, hematoma gone, and finally able to start recovering. It's not perfect but I'm going to go in for a revision in March/April to touch it up.

Here's how it looks now.




So okay, other things. I missed one shot by two weeks and that sucked ass. I was supposed to do it the first Monday after my surgery but I wasn't in the mood and the day ran away from us and then it just slipped out mind. It wasn't something we remembered when we could actually do the shot, but it eventually got to this place where a tiny confrontation just escalated. It was quite literally a non-issue, but I was just hysterically sad and then I was like "I need to take the shot now". Shan had forgotten I hadn't taken it, so she was like "it's next week, you'll be fine." Once I reminded her, we had the shot drawn up and taken very shortly after. We're traveling home for the holidays which will be the first time I'll see my parents since I started transitioning… yes there's Skype but seeing me I think will be different…. but it's for 24 days. I had originally planned to not take the shot and just let it lapse. But then Shan has class the next day when we get back, and then we won't do it till the next Monday and I don't think I can really afford to do that and forget. But we shall see. I see my GP on Monday so we'll see what he thinks.


Alright, on to Stats:


Weight: I was down to 257 at the hospital but I came back up to about 260 since coming home.
Libido: Shan and I went over a month after I'd gotten my surgery. It was brutal. We haven't gotten into the full swing of things still cause I do have discomfort sometimes on my sides, but I have to get off at least once a day, if not more.
Skin: My face is rougher, which feels more like skin than hair issue. I've got some acne issues still but I'm pretty on top of it right now. I still zit up towards the beginning and end of my shot cycle. My back still is a bit problematic but not as bad.
Hair: It is thinning but coloring helps it. I'm going to try stuff but hopefully I don't go bald.
Body Hair: Not a really good representation this time because I shaved everything off before the surgery. It's mostly grown back but not as thick as it was before
Dosage: 250mg
Amount of time on T: 1 year!
Build: Post surgery I'm not in any shape. Next time, I'll say more.
Menstration: The last time I'm going to include this stat because I'm almost a year off my period and it's not coming back.
Energy Level: I've had such a weird few months that sleep and rest ha
Voice: It seems to have settled. But I'll let you guys be the judge.




I've got a youtube but I got to edit before I update it. It'll be up soon.

August... Yeah yeah I suck

I was sick all of July with a nasty flu, lots of phlegm and coughing so I didn't make a recording so I didn't do my blog. I'm a horrible person. I know. I got my surgical consult done and I will be having chest surgery done. I'm on a bit of a self-imposed timeline. If I can't have it by November 1st, I won't have it until January. We'll be flying home for Christmas and if I'm not somewhat healed, and I don't really want to deal with it. If I can't hug my family that's going to suck. It can also cause issues during the flight, with the change in air pressure causing swelling in my chest or also something like blood clots. Not worth it to me, so I'm going to try my hardest to get in by Nov 1, and if not then I'll have to wait.

I've been hanging out with transguys more often, I wish I had some cismale friends so I could see how guys move and act more to help me watch and learn but I'm learning from guys who are learning from watching other guys, so it is what it is.

Anyway, I don't have much else to report at this time. On to stats.


STATS

Weight: 279 lbs
Libido: It's something I deal with on a daily basis, failure to 'complete the mission' leads to a lot of physical frustration. I've caught myself on a few different occasions fully staring at a woman's breasts... like there were magnets involved. Mostly my wife's but at least one or two other women at different times in the last two months. I've gotten mostly over it, but sometimes get caught off guard.
Skin: Still some on my back, mostly shoulder blades, but a lot coming in around my chin and especially towards the last week of my shot.
Hair: I feel it's getting thiner and it's falling out more. Making an appointment to get on Rogaine which is supposed to help with facial hair growth too.
Body Hair: Tummy is getting thick dark hair on the happy trail, but also hair around belly button. It's starting to creep up my chest and it's just under my breasts. My pores on my breasts are getting thicker, like they're getting ready for hair. My ass crack has gotten quite hairy, not my ass… just the crack. Leg hair is definitely darker, but not causing as many ingrown hairs. My pit hair no longer bothers me anymore.
Dosage: 250mg
Amount of time on T: 34 weeks
Build: Hips continue to melt away, arms are getting quite strong with no work. I've got more strength, can do pushups which I've never been able to do before and I'm feeling much more strong.
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: More energized, especially after meals. I definitely feel a surge of energy and if I don't eat, I feel weaker and more tired. I'm finding myself sometimes bored so I'll drop onto the ground and do some pushups just cause I can. I'm also wishing we lived on a bus route where the gym was more accessible because Shan's often gone with the car and I really feel compelled to go to the gym, but then she'll get home and I'll want to spend time with her so I don't end up going.
Voice: It's finally stopped cracking but seems to still be getting lower. I had a pretty massive flu for most of July, my excuse for not posting a blog, so my voice was manipulated by that and had very little talking range let alone singing. Now that I'm over the flu, I can sing more and have full talking range. I still sound female, but I can't do a high pitched voice... I try and it's like this empty space where the tone should be. I can pitch it lower and that's quite fun to do.




Misc: I haven't measured downstairs but it's definitely grown. I've actually also come to his point where a lot of my friends think I pass amazingly well but almost unanimously when I'm out I'll get "ma'am"-ed. It SUCKS. I'm fairly certain it's cause of the boobs so it kinda puts up this discomfort wall and probably makes passing worse. Hopefully this will be handled soon.

June

So, it's been a while. I think it's time to just accept the fact I suck and it'll be a while between them. Oh well. So anyway, everything's been going well. I've been busy, telling my coming out story at different schools and work with Genderbridge. I also did some volunteering for a Queer Youth Hui called Kazam, hosted by Rainbow Youth. I did a bit of filming and made a video which was well received. There were a ton of transguys there and I got to talking. Cue idiot point 1. The big one.

There was a guy there who had told me about how he pretty much abused T, taking a huge dose quite frequently… it caused him to have really rapid results physically but shut down emotionally. A couple other guys talked about how they were all over 200 (most at 250) and I got T envy. I'd had my shot the Friday before (it was now Monday) and I got a bit obsessed with it. I was at 200 so after 2 days of deliberation with myself (and without talking to the wife- again idiot move) I injected myself with 50 more. I did it myself, into my thigh. It was surprisingly hard for me to do it. I kept freaking out about doing it and so I ended up putting it in quite slowly. It didn't hurt going in or out and I thought I was quite smart. I ended up confessing to Shan what I'd done and being an idiot boy I thought there was no big deal. The next week I had the worst heartburn of my life. I couldn't eat without agony following, I also had a bit of a mood swing. Lesson learned. I didn't have any magic growth spurts or anything that I had in my head that would happen, I just pissed off my wife- got in a fight, and then had heartburn as payback.

We agreed to raise the dose this time, as long as I was honest about it to the doctor. We'd see if it did anything that I hoped or if it kept the heartburn and slight insomnia it caused. My doctor would be happy to keep me at a low dose, but I'm six months in and I'm not as far as I feel I should be. I'm further ahead of another guy who uses my endo and fully started slow, I at least argued to go a bit faster… but even that is still 'slow' in the spectrum of things. I just want to have my voice finally start to settle instead of being the constant breaking it is now. I'd like to have some sign of stubble, sideburns, or something. It's really hard to not be disheartened since I'm six months in and feel like I'm at the level I should've been at three months.

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist and my endo and they both gave me a thumbs up for top surgery. My endo was going to refer me into the free system on the Shore. No dice. The one doctor he knew of no longer does it. I called every clinic I could find online on the shore, no one has any doctor who does it free. The Auckland DHB was my only option so I'm going to temporarily be residing at a friend's house to qualify for the DHB. I've got an appointment on the 29th to get my initial consultation done and hopefully it'll be under six months from then. I've spent the last few days looking at more male chests than I think I ever have. I'm really looking into what I want and what I don't want so that I can make the best decision possible for the surgery. I won't agree to a shit job just to have it done, it's hugely important to get them off but I don't want it to be done so poorly that I have to spend thousands and thousands to fix how they look but never have sensation back.

Anyway, on to stats.


Weight: 284 lbs
Libido: Things get me turned on pretty easily, I don't always HAVE to do something about it but I find myself touching more than I ever have. Not in public but if I'm home and bored, I'll feel like it's a good option.
Skin: Acne on my back, just down the sides and not the middle. I've got new pores appearing on my face, like along my cheekbones. I thought it was a five o'clock shadow but nope… pores. I've always got a few zits on my face. No full blown acne but if it gets problematic I'm getting on that shit.
Hair: I don't know if it's my imagination or not but despite the fact my hair's longer, it still seems a little thin. Like the skin, if I start noticeably losing my hair I'm going to get on that.
Body Hair: Tummy is getting thick dark hair on the happy trail, but also hair around belly button. It's starting to creep up my chest and it's just under my breasts. My pores on my breasts are getting thicker, like they're getting ready for hair. My ass crack has gotten quite hairy, not my ass… just the crack. Leg hair is definitely darker, but not causing as many ingrown hairs. My pit hair still has to be trimmed, if it gets too long it really irritates my underarms.
Dosage: 250mg
Amount of time on T: 6 months 1 week
Build: My hips vanished. I used to be quite pear shaped but Shan noticed that I was fairly straight. All the fat has gone to my stomach but that's starting to go away as well. My arms are quite strong despite the fact I've been shit about the gym recently.
Menstruation: N/A
Energy Level: Horrible after shots, absolutely horrible. Horrible in that I usually have really shitty insomnia that night. I just had my shot about 4-5 hours ago and I kinda feel buzzing but in a weird way, I'm pretty tired but I feel quite energized as well. Kinda sucks.
Voice: It breaks, a lot. My dad was poking fun at me last week and said he had issues with his voice until he was 24. My mom wasn't there to call him on it but I was like, 'fuck me'. It ended up being bullshit and he thought it was pretty funny, but my voice is definitely breaking. There's a huge difference between the first recording and this once and it is going fast (in my opinion) cause I can't sing along with a song on Friday that I did Monday to the same level of success. LOL.



Misc: Bit more downstairs growth. Heartburn is fucking killing me, it's usually pretty bad right after my shot. I can be quite irritable right after a shot, and quite emotional at the end of a shot. I've also done some stupid things this last month and I blame testosterone for it.

May... May is good

So, hopefully this renewed vigor I'm feeling will help me work on my blog more. I've had some AMAZING changes and I am so happy in my life right now.

1. I came out to my parents. Holy hell that was terrifying. I've been meaning to for months, but something always got in my way. Christmas, my mom having surgery, drama in my life that my mom was part of that involved Transpeople and was giving my mom negative feelings about transpeople, my birthday, easter, mother's day... I bet I could've found something every month to bullshit about and stall and not actually do it. If I hadn't been on T, I could've gone forever without saying anything... but I am on T and my voice is seriously dropping. If I stalled too much more, my voice would fully break and it'd kick my ass. I'd written a letter in December and I ended up sending that to my parents.

The letter I found to be extremely important. I think that it really is huge to part of the success (did I not mention that it went freaking amazing with my parents? More on that later) of the discussion with my parents. I wrote it about them. Not about me. I told them what I was going through, how long I've been feeling this way, how I needed their love through this even if they didn't understand and agree. I also talked about how it wasn't a reflection of their parenting, reassured every possible issue I thought they would have. I let them know that I wanted to support them and that I would help however they needed. I needed to do this for me, but I wanted to ease their journey with this too. I've been thinking about this for years, I've had many conversations with Shan about this, with my friends, with my transcommunity friends... I've been living as Jake full time for months and living part-time as a guy though using my birth name for years. It would not have been fair to say, "Adapt now or lose me forever!" I really felt certain that no matter what, they needed time.

I also decided that my mother would have the harder time of the two and decided to send it to her first. The last thing I wanted with that was my dad to get it when he got up for work at 5 and wake my mom up to tell her and have it blindside her. I sent it to her and put her in charge of telling my dad or letting me know that she wouldn't and that I would have to... which I was fine with as well.

So at the very bottom of the letter, I let them know I wouldn't talk to them until our established Skype date. She could email me, but if she called I wouldn't answer. I wanted her to take the time to process before just reacting and freaking out and letting it grow into a fight. I sent this to her at 1am my time, 6am her time with our date being noon the next day for me and 5pm for her. It'd give her the day to process and think and what not.

By 8am her time, I had an email back from her but I managed to sleep through the night. I was woken up by a package being delivered and I didn't want to check my email, but I did. The response was amazing. In fact, she'd been wondering when I would make this decision. She assured me she wasn't angry, mad, sad, confused, upset, etc about my decision and actions. She agreed to the skype date and all was set.

My mom is a bit of a wise ass. It's where I get it. Every time we normally skype, it hits 25 minutes and she's complaining (jokingly) about talking her ear off or whatever. An hour call is record breaking. We talked for 2 hours!!!!!! I kept it frank, honest, let the humor flow naturally, answered questions she had to the best of my ability.

I think I was really lucky that I'd been leaving "bread crumbs", as my mom called it, for so long that my mom had been wondering when I would tell her. She'd talked with my dad and they just wanted me to be happy, and to make sure I didn't forget to take care of my wife during this time.

We also talked names. I told her about Jacob, but left it open that if she or my dad had anything they would want to use that they could offer that into the mix of potentials. My mom's only complaint was that it was a J-Name. All the males on her side of the family have that in common and she VOWED to never ever ever name a son that way- to break the cycle. I had totally not thought about that when I picked the name, but she caught it right away and humorsly complained. She's since questioned if it was Jacob or Jakob, which reminded me how much she ADORED Jakob Dylon and how he spelled Jakob.. so I'm considering switching to K instead of C.

Anyway, by the end of the call she was calling me her son and Jake. She was still a little uncertain, joking a bit about being her son/daughter hybrid right now in her head. She's really trying which is what counts.

It was this HUGE weight off of my shoulders... Shan's too. Shan was actually more anxious than I was, but then it was just like light switch or validation that she needed. It was the same way with the psychiatrist. She needed someone other than me to say, "Yes, I think this is a case of Gender Dysphoria and this is the right path." With my mom she needed to hear, "We've known for years and looking back I see all these signs that were there but I didn't know the words for." Shan's completely switched in her head, she was hesitant about me getting a hysterectomy or getting my breasts off and now I can't get them done fast enough. She's really realized that this isn't a phase, that we have my parents blessing, and that there's really a history to this... that it's not my slant on my history. It's been hilarious how fast it's switched for her.

But yeah, it was a great reaction and I was really blessed to get it.

2. I got a new GP who is AMAZING. I had to stop using AUT since I'm no longer a student, so I literally just picked the nearest doctor to my house. He ended up being the coolest guy EVER. He trained under my Endo and being completely trans friendly. He never once called me her, she, or implied I was female. He even said I was a good man. He got me a referral I needed, more T (since I was running out), and was great. It could've really been a disaster but it worked out well.

3. I'm up to my maintaining level for T and having less ups and downs. I had a little bit of a rage burst on Saturday (after my shot on Friday), but it passed fairly quick. But there's been a lot of noticeable stuff, like my hips are fading, my back has broken out, my chin has broken out a bit, my voice is right on the verge of breaking... it's been pretty awesome and Shan's really noticed. Like my hips just floored her. She had a little bit of a sad moment cause there are no naked pictures of me pre-T which I'm fine with that, but she's not. She has a bit of a bad memory so she's afraid of forgetting that completely so we've made a promise to start taking pictures for ourselves to document the journey more. They'll be private for now, but maybe if there's a dramatic change I'll do a before and after.

4. I've got guy friends. This is new for me. I'm normally friends with the guys who are dating or married to Shan's friends, or friends with a couple but now I've actually got guys (transguys and not yet cisguys) that I hang out with. It's really cool for me since I'm such a loner and don't have a ton of friends either way. It's amazing to have a community. It really is.

5. Work has been great. A lot of my radio silence over the last few months was because my life was consumed with some bullying I was experiencing at work. The people involved (yes sadly it wasn't just one person) are gone and yes there's some ripple effects going on from things they're still doing but I feel much more supported and safe and happy. It's great... well it's getting great. I still have some anxiety stuff going on but that's mostly the fallout of what happened versus current stuff.

6. I'm getting back into acting. One of the amazing women who I've met through Genderbridge (She's the bio-woman partner of a transguy) named Julie is involved with a playback group and she's helping me get into that. I've always loved acting and I think it'll really help me ground myself and find my emotional balance and what not within my new body. It is terrifying because I haven't done improv in about 8 years, but it brought me a lot of joy in the past so maybe pursuing dramatic creativity will limit the other drama in my life.

7. I got a STP packer. It's a medicine spoon one and a bit difficult but I'm getting the hang of it and I kinda love standing up to pee. It makes me feel like such a boy.

Well I'm sure there's more. In the next bit I'm going to start looking seriously into name change stuff- but I've got to figure out the middle name thing first.

OH but amazingly, I can get my gender on my passport changed without surgery! It's huge. I will have official documentation in place of a birth certificate that validates my gender and I don't have to have a full hysto done (since I want to hold on to my ovaries for a bit). It's more awesome though because it's up to you and your doctor if you've gone far enough instead of a universal standard that doesn't work for everyone. I'm stoked. I'll be able to change everything but my gender on my birth certificate under this. So awesome.


Anyway, that's the update. Stats will come later.

Back log Stats... Totally my bad

As of April 22. I had this done just forgot to post it.


Weight: 290lbs. Haven't been eating healthy and I've had a bit of a chest cold/infection so I haven't hit the gym as much as I would have liked.
Libido: Starting to deal with a bit of a constant arousal, though it's more if something REALLY gets me turned on, it just doesn't go away… even with some self love. It has kept me from sleeping a couple times and a cold cloth was required to tame it enough so I could sleep.
Skin: Face is oiler but not getting as many breakouts there as I was before. My body though, especially my breasts/chest/and back are getting more frequent break outs. Nothing nearing an acne level, but a heightened level of zits that just remain red bumps.
Hair: Not as much hair falling out as before, it grows fast still.
Body Hair: Still only a few hairs on the corners of my lips still and those are pretty light. I am getting a bit of a happy trail as well.
Dosage: 200mg
Amount of time on T: 18 weeks
Build: My fat has definitely started shifting and I'm carrying more in my stomach than I used to. Under my arm flab, my biceps are actually pretty muscular. If I don't double bind, my breasts are very pronounced for some reason which is kinda pissing me off.
Menstruation: Haven't menstruated in about 5 weeks. I think I may be done. Halla-freaking-lujah!
Energy Level: My last trip to the gym, I had limited time to work. Only an hour before I had to get to an appointment. I was tired (lots of insomnia recently for more personal troubles that have come up) and I wanted to go home and sleep, but the actual workout was a breeze.
Voice: Shan HATES when I try to sing along to girl music, I can't anymore and if I try falsetto it's pitchy at best. I'm noticing a real difference between this audio recording and my first pre-T one. I do have the remnants of a chest cold still and that made my voice low for a bit. But I'm getting closer and closer to the breaking point.



Misc: I've moved up 40lbs in how much I can do chin-ups since is a goal of mine to be able to do them since I never have been able to. I can do a couple extra reps of arm weights than I could pre-T and with less fatigue. I'm a little sore today but mostly my legs from trying to ride an upright bike for my cardio and I felt like I was over extending a lot so my quad is quite sore.

April Update

*Sigh*. I've had a good and bad month, good cause I'm getting to hang out with a lot of the other transguys in Auckland. It's been really pretty awesome but on the bad side the same drama that plagued me the first two months of this year is back with no signs of ending. Again, I can't talk about it cause the people involved are being quite immature and I don't want to give them any other fuel. Oh well. It is what it is.


Weight: 290lbs. Haven't been eating healthy and I've had a bit of a chest cold/infection so I haven't hit the gym as much as I would have liked.
Libido: Starting to deal with a bit of a constant arousal, though it's more if something REALLY gets me turned on, it just doesn't go away… even with some self love. It has kept me from sleeping a couple times and a cold cloth was required to tame it enough so I could sleep.
Skin: Face is oiler but not getting as many breakouts there as I was before. My body though, especially my breasts/chest/and back are getting more frequent break outs. Nothing nearing an acne level, but a heightened level of zits that just remain red bumps.
Hair: Not as much hair falling out as before, it grows fast still.
Body Hair: Still only a few hairs on the corners of my lips still and those are pretty light. I am getting a bit of a happy trail as well.
Dosage: 200mg
Amount of time on T: 18 weeks
Build: My fat has definitely started shifting and I'm carrying more in my stomach than I used to. Under my arm flab, my biceps are actually pretty muscular. If I don't double bind, my breasts are very pronounced for some reason which is kinda pissing me off.
Menstruation: Haven't menstruated in about 5 weeks. I think I may be done. Halla-freaking-lujah!
Energy Level: My last trip to the gym, I had limited time to work. Only an hour before I had to get to an appointment. I was tired (lots of insomnia recently for more personal troubles that have come up) and I wanted to go home and sleep, but the actual workout was a breeze.
Voice: Shan HATES when I try to sing along to girl music, I can't anymore and if I try falsetto it's pitchy at best. I'm noticing a real difference between this audio recording and my first pre-T one. I do have the remnants of a chest cold still and that made my voice low for a bit. But I'm getting closer and closer to the breaking point.



Misc: I've moved up 40lbs in how much I can do chin-ups since is a goal of mine to be able to do them since I never have been able to. I can do a couple extra reps of arm weights than I could pre-T and with less fatigue. I'm a little sore today but mostly my legs from trying to ride an upright bike for my cardio and I felt like I was over extending a lot so my quad is quite sore.

We shall overcome

February Sucked. Period. End of sentence. January was a very epic month on a personal level. One of my best friends was in from the States and we saw a lot of the country. She left the first week of February. That day we were robbed. Our laptops were stolen as was my digital SLR that still had pictures from the vacation on it. It was pretty shitty and just the beginning. There was a lot of drama with Genderbridge going on. I don't want to go into details but I was bullied and harassed during the month of January and eventually dismissed unlawfully in February. It was a very horrible situation but I'm eternally grateful it's over. I've been reinstated now and the last two months are finally over and done. I've really learned to stand up for myself and that you can persevere. I've found a lot of support outside of Genderbridge and now hope to bring them aboard to revitalize the negative image that it's taken in the last two months.

I've got a new laptop ao I'm back and here are my stats for now.



Weight: 285lbs still but people keep telling me I look like I've lost weight.
Libido: Feeling generally horny a lot but not really a huge pressing issue or anything like that. I want sex more but can still live without it.
Skin: Face is definitely oilier but I'm using ProActive to keep breakouts as much in check as I can. Shoulders have broken out a little bit but nothing unmanageable.
Hair: A little bit of thinning but it's growing really fast.
Body Hair: A few dark hairs on the corner of my lips. I shaved them off on Monday and they're back today. Shan said she noticed them a week before I did but was waiting for me to notice.
Dosage: 100mg
Amount of time on T: 12 weeks
Build: I keep being told I look like I'm losing weight though the scale isn't changing. I think the fat has started shifting a bit. My arms generally look stronger and my breasts are losing what little elasticity they had so they hang much more. If I double bind (yes I know it's bad but I only do it in VERY short bursts and only when I really need to pass) I'm extremely flat and my build is very masculine.
Menstruation: Last period lasted for like two and a half weeks of just spotting. This one, that I'm currently on (*grumble*) started out that way for three days but then just hugely escalated to a full period. I can't wait for it to stop. I really can't.
Energy Level: A little bit more energized, I can work out longer and usually WANT to work out longer. I just keep ending up at the gym with a bunch of douches that joke around on the equipment so I am very limited in what I can do so I end up doing more cardio than weights.
Voice: It seems a little lower, I can sing lower and have trouble singing higher. My voice definitely tires when I try to sing higher stuff, or sing along with people like Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars who sing in a bit of a falsetto. One Bruno Mars song belted out and my voice is almost shot.

Misc: I'm a bit snappy, especially the first few days after shots. After my first 100mg shot, I was slightly less snappy but it's still very easy to get a small temper flare up. Until recently I've also been extremely stressed so that probably didn't help much.